We're Engaged! (Edited Repost)

So much has happened since before I left CA! So let's recap.

Flew from San Francisco into Chicago, where I would be getting my connecting flight to Norfolk. I was seriously worried about Chicago, I remember last year there was so much snow on the group it looked like blankets! This year however, I had a clean runway with no snow at all! Not even a cloud in the sky. Because of this, I was able to get there 1/2 an hr earlier than scheduled. How awesome is that?

The awesomeness however, was dampened a little when upon my arrival at the "beautiful" Midway airport I checked the departure wall. My flight to Norfolk has been delayed. Grrrreat. Oh well, I'm bummed, but I'll deal. I go up to the counter to see if maybe something has changed, I'm told that the flight may or may not be on time, right now it's just a guessing game. Yay that the flight gods decided to take pity on me this trip, because it turned out that my flight was on time right on the nose! Whoo hoo!

Getting there: Sailorman was waiting right past the security checkpoint for me! Awww! That first hug and kiss was pretty damn awesome, not going to lie. We pretty much were hugging and kissing the entire time, which was amusing to both of us, especially since there was a kid right behind us that kept looking at his mom every time we kissed and asking if that was ok. My bags were all there, just one of the last to get off. By this time, I really wasn't caring, I was finally back with Sailorman after 5 freaking months apart!

We drive to his "new" apartment. In reality he moved in there sometime in October, but obviously I hadn't seen it yet. It looked good.....very......manish haha. He has all his guns out in the living room.....man oh man does he have a lot of guns! We spent a lot of time together for around three days. Running errands, we bought a new mattress. It's really comfy! It's nice that it's OURS.

Then, we started on our trip out to Kansas City, MO. We decided to drive, pretty much so we wouldn't have to be at the mercy of his mom to get anywhere again. Last year was pretty torturous not having the freedoms that we're both used to when it comes to coming and going as we please. Sailorman was kind of a butt and didn't let me drive any of it, but whatever.

The 21st we had an us day. It was pretty amazing. We went to go see Tangled, which is without a doubt one of the cutest movies I've seen in a really really long time. Then went to the mall for a little bit, and then rushed home to get ready because he was taking me out to really fancy dinner that night. We went to Skies, which is a revolving restaurant on top of a Hyatt in downtown Kansas City. We had a lovely meal, and right before dessert, he asked if he could see my ring. If you recall, it's this one.

 He then fumbled a little, which I thought was adorable, and pulled this one out!

 And asked if I would like an upgrade, and would I marry him :D. Of course, I said yes!!!! So now we're engaged, and he's enjoying the "showing" of the ring more than I to tell the truth. Right now, I think I'm still in the processing stages, I haven't gotten to full blown excited that I'm getting married. I hope it happens soon, because I know that Sailorman is more than a little disappointed that I'm not giddy with joy. But it'll happen...soon....ish. Am I the only one who feels/felt like this when the big question came up? I'd love to hear imput!

No Man's Land

Couple of different thoughts running around in my head right now. The the biggest one is that is about 11 hours from now I'm boarding a plane for Norfolk, VA! Yay! Finally, after almost 5 months of torture and waiting, I'll get to see that big dork again. For those of you like me who are obsessed with The Big Bang Theory in the words of Sheldon, "I'm colon capital d" haha!

This image makes me happy!

Another thing that I've been thinking about.....just how supportive do you ladies find facebook groups to be? No offense to anyone, but they seem to be a) major bitch fests, and b) full of high school girls with high school drama. Not to say that I'm not full of drama myself, but I do my best not to start it on a facebook group. I also do my best to keep the spillover to either my close friends, Sailorman, or my blog. Rarely do put all my relationship drama out for the facebook world to see. And the stuff I do post isn't really something that could start drama. I guess because (as of now) I am "just a girlfriend" and if by the end of this trip  I am a fiancee, I still won't feel "in the club" so to speak. I refuse to join a group that says wives in it on principle. I don't want to be one of those gfs, osr fiancees, that join every group imaginable, including the ones that were clearly made for wives to get together and support one another. To me, there is a major difference, and I respect that. So another question.....where do I go for support?

Raw Thoughts

I'm trying to do start anew. It's hard to let go of the past....the hurts, and little slights. It's easier to forgive than it is to forget. Something I truly do worry that I don't forget enough. I remember the tiniest details of things that would be far better laid to rest. Those details eat away at me. So many times I wish I could do it over, say it different. Maybe not let myself be that situation again.

This business of Sailorman buying a ring, the prospect of him asking the Big Question has be bring out all the slights of the past 14 months we've been dating. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all coming out to play. A lot of the bad and the ugly are on this blog. I doubt you've noticed, but I have deleted a few of the more raw posts. Why? It was my way, at the time, of saying let bygones be bygones. If only I could delete the memories from my head.

We've (he's) caused a lot of heartache. We've (he's) also caused a lot of joy. I won't say from the moment I met him I knew that I wanted to marry him, because that's not true. The way we started was (for me) supposed to be a casual get together. I didn't want serious. He didn't want serious. Somehow, when we became official, we were serious. We've been discussing marriage since day 10. Now that we're at the brink, I'm the one getting cold feet.

I've always been the rock in this relationship. He was the one (his words) who had his head up his ass for a good chunk of time. I was the one who was there, patiently waiting.....loyal to a fault. I don't know if I like that description to be completely honest. The more sure he gets, the more doubts I get. Once again, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He seems so incredibly sure that this is what he wants. I thought I did too, but....  It's hard to describe the emotions and thoughts that are coursing through my brain, making sleep next to impossible. Maybe trying to bleed some of this out here will help me sleep. Let's hope so.

Chocomize Giveaway

Averie over at Love Vegegies and Yoga is hosting an amazing giveaway from Chocomize. Chocomize is this amazing company that lets you customize your own chocolate bars!

The Guessing Game

As I'm sure you're tired of reading by now, I HATE surprises. Mostly because I'm a *wee bit* of a control freak and like knowing everything I possibly can about a situation ie: presents. Sailorman on the other hand, LOVES to surprise me. Why? Because he knows I hate it. That's pretty much the sole reason that he loves it ever so much. So what has he been doing for pretty much the last month?

Diamond teasing me.

If you're not us, and well, of course you're not, let me explain. It started back in September when I was diagnosed with my pseudo-tumor and pretty much lost my appetite that Sailorman started food teasing me. He would describe the food he was eating, in detail, occasionally complete with pictures. All of food that I loved, and while my taste buds thought, wow that sounds really good, my brain was just all meh. It got annoying, and the most of a fuss I made the more he did it. Typical. You can't see me but I'm smiling and rolling my eyes right now.

Anyways, Sailorman has gotten to the point of teasing me about anything. Now that the Christmas season is upon, a time of love, and joy, and peace......and presents. He's been teasing me non-stop.

Weird part is, it's not about my Christmas present(s) instead, it's about.....dun dun DUN! The Ring. Hence, the diamond teasing. The dude just goes on and on and on about how awesome his plan is, and how it's going to be perfect, and the Ring is amazing. He seriously doesn't shut up about it. On one hand, it's incredibly sweet. He's apparently been planning this for 5 months now. On the other, well, he's getting on my nerves with the hints and the teasing. Either shut up or show me pictures! Lol

It also doesn't help that it feels that everyone in the kingdom has seen the bloody ring but me. Wow that came out very British didn't it? Way too much BBC late at night does take a toll on you I guess :). On a really happy note, and for the most part this has been a very happy tongue-in-cheek post, I get to see Sailorman in 7 days! Whoot!

I really love Failbook.org

see more Failbook

Just awesome, definitely made my day :)

The Aftermath

So, I had my tantrum. I sulked the night away, and had two other pretty much sleepless nights just for some extra icing to this not so fun mess of a cake. The bitchfest got bigger when my frienemy PMS came into town and brought her buddies Moody, Irrational, and Teary as well. Sigh. Being a girl is so much fun! Sailorman did his best to comfort me, but a guy can only take so might right? We had words, luckily I was rational enough to apologize because it turned into an all out brawl. Now we're back to ourselves, and we'll be riding this not so fun time out. I'm lucky that for the most part Sailorman takes all my girly-ness in stride, and rolls with the punches. I'm rather rational for the most part, so the times when I'm not, well, there's a REALLY good excuse. Now I'm gonna go indulge in a hot bath, a trashy book, and maybe some chocolate cake to let me get some sleep.

Just *headdesk* alksnlkn w;tlanskmdn;jk asnkdfvljkndfsgi!

Yeah. today's....tonight's post is going to be a downer. Why? Because today I'm upset at the stupid command for not letting Sailorman know his training schedules sooner. If he wasn't part of the support team I'm pretty sure that he would have known all this stupid stuff already. But since he is, he gets to know nothing, and then training stuff gets sprung a few weeks before. Usually, I just roll with it, but today, I had to change my flight back home. To make it worse, it's going to be bumped back by 10 days. This just blows. I'm mad, I'm frustrated. And pretty much just bummed.

For all the bitching and moaning that I do on this blog, in real life, I'm an incredibly upbeat person who doesn't let the small stuff get to me. (Probably the reason why I go on and on and on about the small stuff on this blog.) So I should revise that last statement and say that I don't let others see the small stuff getting to me. Usually, the stupid stuff that Navy throws at us I just roll with, say no big, and continue.

This time.....it's different. By having to leave 10 days earlier for Sailorman to go to this, in his opinion, pointless exercise, it brings his deployment date even closer. I don't want the reality of him leaving to hit me just yet. Though, it seems like today is the day that that bubble had to burst. I wanted to get through the holidays, and then have the freakout. I didn't want to freak before seeing him, and now it seems that I'm going to have to freakout at home, where I don't have the comfort of him well, comforting me. Getting comforted over the phone really isn't the same if you ask me.

Once I get all of this out of my system, I'll be strong. I'll deal. I'll be the homefront rock and all the jazz. Tonight, I'm breaking down. Tonight, I'm deciding that it's ok to be weak. Tonight, well tonight is the night that I'm probably not going to sleep. I'll go to class hollow eyed, come home and crash. What else is there that I can do? This is happening whether I want it to or not.

Look what I made today!

Isn't it awesome looking? Low carb and gluten free :)

Yet Another Post Tonight

Well, aside from the boring school stuff that I'd rather not think about now, that's pretty much been me my most exciting stuff happening. My best friend's grandmother died over the weekend.....and to top it off one of her professors went completely nuts during her critique of my bff's art project. The poor thing called me up in angry, stressed tears. I didn't really know what to do for her, I listened as well I could. I hope I did end up saying the right things, I hope I did help her to calm down. It's hard to be in that sort of a situation, with so many of the different balls you have up in the air....it's really no wonder that some are going to come crashing down.

As much as I love D, she does tend to put a lot on herself. This is on top of all the work that is put on top of her as well. She's amazing, she's a strong worker, and advocate for others. Unfortunately, she rarely lets others be an advocate for her. Pride is a big thing, and sometimes you just have to be able to swallow it. I don't know if she checks my blog often, but if she does.....D, I love you, and I really hope that you do talk to your professor about everything that's been going on. (Yes, she's an evil biatch and if she isn't the slightest bit understanding, I promise I'll put something in some brownies for you.) It's ok to ask for help, and not just from the ones nearest and dear to you. Sometimes the best help you can receive is from a stranger who doesn't understand the whole situation. Drama begets drama, and we're in the home stretch, with dead week and finals looming on the horizon. I promise we'll party it up with tons of lemonade and brownies!

Exciting new finds!

So Happy Cyber Monday my bloggy friends! Did you have fun in the comfort of your (hopefully) warm homes looking at awesome deals online? For the most part I didn't, though I couldn't resist two rangerup.com tshirts after I got an email for a free ship code.

Here they are, photos from rangerup.com

I thought they were pretty awesome, and just couldn't resist! 

Another new thing, I went to Trader Joe's, which is quite possibly my favorite grocery story in the world.....ok that was a lie, but it's definitely up there, you get awesome organic products for an incredibly affordable price! Some new thing I found was peanut flour. Never used it before, but it looked like something I could have fun with :). 

Let's see what else is new with J world? Today I beta tested a granola bar recipe. Unfortunately, the cutting them part didn't work so well.....so I ended up with granola balls lol! I'm going to be trying a new recipe for energy bars. Sailorman is semi-addicted to granola bars, and I'd rather he ate something that was not super loaded with sodium, and maybe be able to sneak healthy stuff in for him too. I'd rather he stuck around for quite a while :)

Say Yes to the Dress

Very very very addicting show. Bad Netflix for letting me watch season after season on watch instantly! I've always been a "I don't want a poofy cupcake dress" kind of girl. This is definitely making me re-think this stance. All the dresses look so amazing!

I'm so cold!

In the beautiful city by the bay, it's been record breaking cold. The last few weeks have been in the low 30s. For the city that used to being at the lowest in the 40s, and in the 50s when it rains, to say we've all been freezing would be an understatement. I've switched not only to flannel sheets, but I've added a fleece blanket in addition to my down comforter. The Sailorman keeps calling me a wuss for complaining about the cold. Well, unlike the Sailorman who runs about 10 degrees hotter than the rest of us mortals, I didn't grow up in the Midwest.

Yesterday, Thanksgiving, I went to my bestie's house for dinner. It was fun. I'd never been over for Thanksgiving before, and it was a pretty intense thing. Super duper fancy, I put on an outfit I hadn't worn in nearly a year, and it was super loose fitting. Yeah, that was awesome! I think that since last Dec, I've lost about 30 lbs. Yay for finally getting a correct diagnosis and getting on the correct medication! 

Today is Black Friday. Can you guess where I am? Well, I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I am not a shopper. At all. It's rare for me to be in a shopping mood, and even then, unless it's clothes, I'd rather just shop online. So where am I? In my bed, with the flannel sheets, down comforter, and fleece blanket. Wearing socks, yoga pants, a long sleeve shirt, and a t shirt on top of that. Yeah......and I'm STILL cold! My mom is off, hitting the outlets. I'll probably at some point clean the kitchen and start on all the holiday cookies my mom promises people. Pretty huge list this year, and since I'm leaving the 15th, I want to get a head start as soon as possible.

Thankfulness

Thankfulness is an interesting word. Thanksgiving is a love/hate day for me. I'm thankful everyday of my life for all that I have, even when I'm sulky, or surly.....or just generally bitchy, I'm thankful that I'm able to live in a country that allows me to be all those things and more. I'm thankful that I have a mom who understands me, who gets that sometimes she does have to just leave me alone, let the mood ride, and then I can be my cheerful self once again. I'm thankful that I have an amazing boyfriend who gets me, even more than my mom does. Who I'm able to communicate with, fight with, and because of the extreme distance, have gotten closer to than I think I could have if we had been able to court normally.

I guess that post sentence as also me being thankful for us being so far apart. I know that what we're going through right now is just a small taste of what deployment is going to be like. I'm thankful that our rough patch happened when it did, because that got us to completely revamp our relationship. We're so much more open and honest about how we feel, that epic fights are bypassed for the most part. I don't know if we could have survived deployment with our sanity intact if we hadn't gotten so much out in the open.

I'm thankful that my Sailorman loves me to distraction. I'm thankful that I'm 80% sure he's going to ask me to marry him this Christmas. I'm thankful my best friend loves me through anything, and she kept the secret of Sailorman asking her for ring advice to herself for a whole 6 weeks before I found out.

Pretty much, I'm thankful that my life is going the way it is. Yes, there's still the who knows if it's X or Y in the back of my head. Yes, I don't know if I'm going to get 3 weeks or 4 this Holiday season. But today I'm going to take a break for stressing, let the Navy do what the Navy is going to do, because in the long run, no matter what I want, or what Sailorman wants, the command will do what the command wants to do.

Oh and one last thankful: I get to see my Sailorman in 19 days! If that isn't something to be thankful for, then I think I just don't know the meaning of the word :)

Up In the Air

I'm kind of a control freak. I know this about myself. Even if I can't control the situation, I like knowing what the situation is. Now....I get to sit around looking pretty and wait for the secret squirrel committee to decide if they're sending the Sailor to country X or country Y. If it's country X then my trip out to Virginia will be cut short by a week. If it's country Y, plans go on as they are, but he deploys sooner, to a much more scary country. So.....which one to I hope for? More time with him now....getting to welcome him home sooner, but also having him in a much more hostile environment, or getting less time now, but knowing that he's (somewhat) safer? Tough call.

I think it's time for a change

I want to be more positive. This is going to be hard....I think I use all my positivity up when I'm around people, and I'm a total downer when I'm by myself. I like to play the "what's the worst that could happen" game with myself.....and with my imagination that's never a good thing. I want to just change my blog, find a focus. Lately it just feels like my focus has been on every negative part of my relationship. The thing is, there is so much good it feels like bragging to even bring it up. From all that's happened in the last few months, I'm amazed at the turn around. My Sailor is attentive, he's complimentary, he's present for me. For the last months we've had a two hour conversation every night. We're both so ready to see each other I think we could scream about it.

Something pretty amazing news, I can't believe I almost forgot! I think that someone is gonna ask me a question! To say I'm excited would be a completely understatement!

Day 16: Someone that's not in your state/country

Again.....this post could be all about the Sailor. He's in freaking Virginia right now. Sorry to all the VA ladies, but as of right now, VA sucks the big one. Yay for him already deciding that he wants to go back to SD for his next PCS though! By this time we'll probably be married, and considering our first baby. It's crazy how throughout all of this crazy up and down that we've gone through since I've started this blog, right now we've reached a place of pretty much total honesty. While yes, we still have arguments and disagreements, and occasionally, fights, We've gone past the place of bottling stuff up and just letting it brew until it explodes. Now we're a lot calmer about talking stuff out and working it out like grown up. We're so ridiculously in love it's kinda silly. Let me just say that it's pretty awesome to be nose over tail for someone :)

Day 15: The person you miss the most

Haha well this is a no brainer. I miss my Sailor! I miss him so much it's kind of insane. It literally feels like there's a part of me missing when I'm not around him.....what can I say? He's my soul mate. This is probably my favorite explanation of soul mate's I've never read:

The one person you are meant to be with continues on through life and death and life again. If reincarnation were to be true, your soul mate is still the same regardless of what life you are in. You spend your entire life searching for this person you are destined to be with. And every time you find them, your heart and your soul sometimes recognize it before your mind does. That explains why sometimes you feel you have known someone forever, that you already know who they are- because you have known them, for as long as your souls have existed you two were meant to be together.

However, I get to see him in 29 days! Whoo hoo! 

Christmas Card

Joy And Magic Christmas Card

Make a statement with custom Christmas cards at Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Here's the card that I chose for my 50 free holiday cards from shutterfly.com Pretty awesome, and I saved $120! Here's my post on how to get your own!

Day 14: Someone you've drifted away from

To me, friends are precious things. I'm not the type to have a lot of friends who I don't talk to often, once I don't really feel like we have much in common any more, I tend to drift away. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I have only one really good friend right now. While I have many acquaintances, it's hard for me to be able to consider true friends among a lot of them. I feel the need to watch what I say around a lot of people. I think the Sailor is the only person that I've never felt the need to censor myself for.

Day 13: Someone you wish you could forgive

So yeah, definitely did not do this in a row, yet by now I'm kinda determined to finish it.....at some point lol. Life does get in the way however.

Someone I wish I could forgive. Well, that's a broad topic. There are parts of me and wish I could fully forgive my dad for all the shit he's put me through. While for the most part I've moved past it, and accepted the fact that he will never be a true father to me. It's a sad realization, one that's taken me quite a while to get, but to fully forgive......now that one is tough. So I guess my dad is who I wish I could forgive. If not for him, than maybe someday for me.

He's just......MEAN!

Ok, no, not really.....however, my boyfriend is so mean! He keeps telling me that he's going to ask me to marry him, he's been looking at rings and has one picked out, he knows when and where he's going to ask me, and even has his outfit picked out (yeah that part was me teasing him, but apparently it's true) BUT he refuses to share! I hate surprises...with a passion, and yet he continues to tease me with this......I know I should be happy, but at this point I'm just "mad" at him for teasing me so much about something so important. Sorry for ranting, but I needed to share lol.

Dreams

I have the weirdest, most vivid dreams ever. The Sailor likes to say I have movie quality dreams. This is very very true. The thing is.....3/4 of the time I don't remember them. The quarter that I do remember makes me wonder just how much more vivid and weird can my brain be? Another weird thing: I always feel compelled to tell people if they've been in my dream or not. This can be a more or less stranger, like just a facebook friend, or bloggy friend. Though, I've yet to actually dream of a bloggy friend.....yet. Just a random thought of the day. If I blogged every time I had a random thought I think I'd blog a lot more. My brain thinks very strange thoughts.

Shutterfly's 50 Free Holiday Card Promotion

It's open to all bloggers! How awesome is that? I'm not too sure what exactly I'm going to choose, horrible I know, seeing as how it's already November and almost Thanksgiving. I'm debating whether to make it a me and mama, or me and the Sailor. Either way I'm sure they're going to be awesome. Back when I was away at university I had a job in Enrollment. One of my jobs was to make thank you cards for all the prospective freshmen through Shutterfly. 

If you want to get the free cards go here.

There are so many options to choose from! Here are the Holiday Cards.

I think that this one is my favorite.

I think all of you guys should check this out! It's a really sweet deal from Shutterfly, and hey, its free! Doesn't get much better than free :) 

Citizenship Update

For all those who actually read my drama (lol) here's an update on my rather whiny last couple of posts.

The Mexican Embassy in San Francisco has been VERY helpful. While no, I can't renounce my citizenship, I can submit a request, including a letter stating why I want to renounce, and they'll send that over to the capitol who will in turn send a letter back pretty much saying "she tried to renounce, but she can't" as a proof letter. This letter will (hopefully) be accepted by the secret squirrel investigators and the only thing left is for the Sailor to actually ask me to marry him! Yay!

The Sailor talked to his security manager and told him the whole situation, and he's sent off a email to the investigating peeps. Hopefully I'm still going to be kept in the loop....I probably will, the Sailor called me from work in order to let me know what was happening as soon as he knew. He's such a sweetheart :)

On another note, he's been talking about rings! As in.....he's been looking at them! Eeeek! This is exciting! I'm also down to a little bit more than 4 weeks until I'm flying cross country and landing in Virginia! To say that it's been an emotional roller coaster, in a good way, would be a complete understatement.

Just.....WHY?

So today was THE day. I went down to the embassy. And waited. And waited. And Waited. And WAITED. Do you get the picture that a lot of waiting was involved?

Finally, my turn was up. I was immediately told that I would have to talk to this other guy. So.....more waiting. The dude called another family before me. I had been waiting longer, and was naturally, a wee bit upset at that.

After more waiting.....getting to be a theme isn't it? My mom comes up to me and says that the dude told her that it has never been done before, and he doesn't know if it's possible.

Ummmmm excuse me? 

You're telling me that no one has ever given up their Mexican citizenship in the history of Mexico? I doubt that one very much. So....we go and talk to this other lady and it turns out......Mexico made it illegal to renounce citizenship. You're stuck with it since 2003. Grrrreat. So I was told to write a letter to the Secretary of Citizenship and I'll receive a letter back stating that it's not possible to renounce, and hopefully the Navy will accept that. Right now I feel like the world just doesn't want me to get married! Sigh. As completely self-pitying as it is, why oh why me? 

Life is going to change

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I'm going to be going to the embassy to get rid of my second citizenship. Due to the Sailor's job, I can't live with him if I have a dual citizenship. So.....I'm going to take one away. Big step. Lots of fights. With both him and my mom. In the end, it seems to have worked out though. Mom is going to be taking me to the embassy, we'll see if we need to make an appointment or not, if we do I hope we can get paperwork to fill out to make this go by faster.

While texting the Sailor I told him that this was his last chance to back out (jokingly of course!) his response was "there's nothing to back out from babe, I know that I want you, I want to marry you, have kids with you, and I wouldn't be asking you to do this if I wasn't sure."

We'll see what happens tomorrow.....but I think that this is the first step towards making our dreams a reality.

I FINALLY cut my hair!

 My last haircut was 5 months ago. Yep.....5 months. I've basically ignored my hair for the last 5 months because I'm a haircut addict. I hate the in between stages, and so as soon as I enter it, I'm usually off to the salon. This time.....because the Sailor prefers longer hair, I grit my teeth, and I bore the agony that was growing it out. No idea why the pictures are such a yucky quality, but here are my before and afters!

Scary News

Due to OPSEC, obviously I can't go into specifics. However, let's just say that this evening when I had my nightly phone call with the Sailor, he told me that there's a definitely possibility that he's going to be leaving a month earlier, to a different, more hostile country, and with a totally different team. GREAT. This is the country that he was going to be going to originally, then he wasn't, and now he might be again. Please Navy, can you just make up your mind? Being boots on the ground is scary enough without having to worry about him literally being in the belly of the beast. Now I get a whole new set of "what ifs" to worry about. Of course, with the Navy, there's always just the possibility that he's going to be going to on the second original deployment instead of this new third option.

We won't know for a few more weeks probably. It's one of those "you'll know when I know babe" situations. Those suck big time. While I'm hoping he doesn't get the third option, I'm much preferring option two at the moment, he's definitely hoping for option three. I get why......but why oh why does he want to go into the danger zone? Can't he just be happy being bored out of his mind and watching The OC dvds in his tent? I know, that's asking too much, he has a job that's he's trained to do, he's going to be with some of the biggest baddest that our fine Navy has to offer. He'll be fine. Yet, I know that I won't be able to stop worrying until he's safe in my arms.  Why is it that the Navy loves to put us through so much uncertainty?

Day 12: The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

This is is tough. Really it's a toss up between so many people who have caused me pain.

Where on earth to start?

I guess I could start with my dad, but it's a pretty tangled web. He wasn't necessarily a bad dad when they first divorced. He and my grandmother moved to into a house that was 2  blocks away from my school, and my grandmother still took care of me after school, so I saw a lot of my dad then. He would take me on trips, try and talk to me, which was probably difficult because his grasp of english is tenuous at best. Then....my mom decided to remarry. As she puts it, she was blinded to his faults because she was....well....horny. This man was in no way a good man at all. When my mom told my dad that she was going to remarry, he took it as a hint to stop his involvement in our lives.

Actually.....that was exactly what He Who Shall Not Be Named wanted. He was insanely jealous of my dad, and hated me because of the fact that I was proof that my mom had been married to someone else. I remember overhearing him telling my mom that he couldn't wait until I was older so I could just run away. That way he could have her all to himself. I still to this day don't understand how she could've stayed with him after a declaration like that.

My mom stayed married to him for a year. That year was pure hell for me. Everything about me was crushed, suppressed, and I was forced to stay in my room a lot. I felt like an unwanted guest in my own home. I slept over at my best friend's house a lot. I think that they saved me in more ways than I can imagine. Finally my mom got up the courage to kick him out, and we've been a family of two ever since.

During all of this time, I was constantly picked on. I was....different. I wasn't tall, I wasn't slender, I wasn't bubbly. How on earth could I have been expected to be bubbly considering my home life? I was bookish, I attached myself to teachers, so the label of teacher's pet followed me around until the 8th grade. To say that I had low self-esteem would be an understatement. I tried to hid my insecurities with a prickly manner, I was cruel with my words, and lost my temper often. I was a total tattletale, and invoked "the teacher" at every opportunity I could. To say that I was unhappy.....well I think you can see that ages 7-14 pretty much just sucked.

During high school I started really working on myself. Therapy really helped me a lot. I worked towards forgiving my dad (yeah still working on that one) did my best to give myself the confidence that I was beautiful and worth it. I did my best not to lose my temper anymore, not to be cruel to others. I think that now I've been able to do the majority of the heavy work when it comes to working out my childhood issues. Sometimes it'll all come crashing back at me, and I just need to take a step back, breathe, and remind myself that I am beautiful, I am deserving of love, and I have so much to be grateful for. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, and my hard earned self esteem is something I am very proud of. I really do wish that I didn't have to go through so much drama and heartache to get there, but.....then I wouldn't be the me I am now would I?

Day 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to

So many people! 

I'd love to ask Freud what his problem with his mom was. I'd love to ask Van Gogh why on earth he felt the need to chop his ear off. I'd love to ask Beethoven how he could hear music when he was deaf. (I'm not too sure how I would ask him that....with him being deaf and all. I guess we could have a chat convo instead!) I'd love to ask Mother Theresa if she really was THAT good all the time. I'd like to ask Ellen White if this really was her vision on the Adventist church.....and whether or not eating meat is THAT big of a deal.

I think that I'd like to ask military wives and sweethearts from WWI and WWII how on earth they did it, what was their secret to surviving in an age where computers and satphones didn't exist. How they were able to survive on letters that may or may not come. 

Day 10: Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like

This would probably be......hmmm. It's hard to say. Most of the people that I don't talk to are in that group for a reason. I think that there are conversations I'd love to have with people about why we don't talk anymore, but not as a way to open ourselves up for more communication. Instead, I think it would be more about a closure thing. A way to get it all out on the table, and then not have that lingering over anymore. An official notification of a breakup if you will. There are quite a few 'friends' that I have, mainly on facebook, that I don't speak to anymore. Nor do I think that attempting to speak to them would be welcome. They're just there, occasionally someone will comment on something the other has done, but it's all.....shallow. Meaningless. We don't have anything in common anymore. Sad, but true. There are times when you just outgrow the people you used to be close to. I guess the roundabout way of saying this is: I don't think that there's anyone in the list of people I know that I wish I did talk to more than I do, if I don't talk to them, it's for a good reason. Why bring more drama into my life?

Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet

There are so many people! I'd love to meet Ina Garten, despite her habit of saying fabulous after everything, her recipes are just yumminess! I'd love to be able to cook with her and just learn as much as  I can. I'd love to meet Rick Riordan, because as of right now I'm obsessed with his books! I literally just finished this one last night.....did I also mention that I started it last night as well? Yeah.....obsessed! All of his books have had me remembering my 12-year old and the obsession I had with Greek, Roman, and Egyptian mythology, and he tells his stories with an amazing flair for action, as well as an amazing talent for weaving the present and past stories that makes them come alive. I wish that I had this kind of a series when I was a kid....probably the reason why I'm reading them now at 22 lol.

Pride.....and funny....

How much I'm actually liking the meme thing! Some of these are hard to come up for stuff.....but for the most part I'm actually liking being given a subject to write about. It helps me not look at the negative so much. Though I am just posting multiples a day......pretty much because either I've forgotten the day before, I know I won't be able to the next day.....or I'm feeling like writing and I wanted to. I think I'm just gonna hunt up memes to do until I can come up with other things to blog about.

The Sailor has been so amazing lately. Is it wrong that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? Yeah it probably is.....but I'm liking the "fairy tale" that we've been working at. The one thing that I never fully grasped was how much work a relationship takes. The only way for a healthy relationship to work is for both parties to work towards the same goal. I think that we're finally on the same page here, and we're working for the same goal. While, yeah, we've had disagreements, our communication has improved 1000% yay!!!!! I am so proud of us! That we've been able to keep up our communication, to process what the other is saying, and actually get it! (yeah that last part was mostly him being able to get what I'm trying to communicate, and actually understanding it.) I'm happy for us. We've made it past the halfway mark, and we've got a little more than 8 weeks left until I'm boarding that plane to get me to Norfolk!

Day 8: Your favorite internet friend

I have a lot of internet friends. Probably more internet friends than real ones. How sad is that? My favorite friend.....hard to choose. I think the one that I've spoken to the most is my friend Brooke. Her fiance is the USS Lincoln, and she's going through her first deployment, all while planning her wedding for when he gets back. She's an amazing person to talk to and feel like you are the queen of the world. She doesn't take shit from anyone, and demands respect, and if you're her friend....she will defend you to the death. I love how she takes offense to stuff for me, and is more than willing to kick people's ass for me. Usually it's me who has to calm her down, because anyone who knows me knows that while I'm not the "kick down the door" kind of girl, I can very quietly and effective put someone in their place without raising my voice. It's a talent. Be jealous. Lol.

I'm excited to hear that her fiance, Brad, might be getting orders to VA soon. Though, with our luck, it'll probably be when the Sailor is getting ready to PCS again.....and we might not even get to meet. Ironic seeing as how she lives about 4 or 5 hours away from me right now.....but I'm just way too lazy to make the drive to Fresno. One of these days I will....and we'll probably have an absolute blast. Until that day, we'll be internet and phone buddies.

Day 7: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

I don't really have very many of these to choose from. It's kinda depressing how much I didn't date before the Sailor. There are times when I wish that I had dated more, experiences more, "shopped" more. Then  I remember just how much I really hate shopping. For a woman, I think I hate shopping more than anyone I know. I have less patience for it than most men. This excludes the Sailor btw. He LOVES shopping. Well....he loves spending money. Me....I like looking at my money for long periods of time then splurging and buying something amazing for myself that is just pure luxury.

But back to exes. I guess if I was to talk about anyone, it would probably be Michael. Michael.....he was my bf before the Sailor. He's a law student at UC Davis, now in his second year. He's also dating someone new, she goes to school in Arizona. Funny, seeing as how SF was too far from Davis for him.....but I digress. Michael.....he's a jerk, and kind of an asshole, capital A. He's the first to admit it, and I'm not even trying to be mean here. It's just the way he is. We were explosive together. Everything we did was either a torrent of emotion, or not caring at all. We just went through too much not caring for me to think that the times we did care made it worth it. We parted ways amicably enough, and we still chat on occasion. For the most part, he's my sounding board about stuff the Sailor says or complains about. I think of him as my dude friend, seeing as how he actually did date me, knows how I can be, and can give me dude opinions. He still can piss me off beyond belief, but.....we're way better as friends than we ever were anything else.

Day 6: A Stranger.

I meet lots of strangers. Yet, the one that comes to mind as soon as I think about a stranger, is this woman I met on the train in high school. She was talking very loudly into her cell phone, she had just left bootcamp, and was really excited to be getting home. I asked if she was in the Army, because being 15 and not really caring about the different branches of military, everyone was in the Army to me. (Oh how I've changed in 7 years!) She replied that she was in the Air Force, and had just left bootcamp, was going home on leave, and was going to be going to some other state for further training before deployment. We spoke for about 45 mins to an hour. She tried to get me to "think" about joining. I flat out told her I question way too much to ever be in any sort of service (totally true to this day!) and she laughed and said yeah, they beat that out of you quickly. When she went to get off the train, she told me her name was Michelle, and I offered to pray for her. I think that I was the first person to offer that, and the look on her face was the first truly rewarding thing I think I've ever done for a member of our military.

Obviously, since then I've done a lot for our military. I mean, I'm dating someone in the Navy! Talk about the sacrifices! While totally true, I'm kidding. It's a pleasure and honor to know that I love and am loved by someone who is willing to do so much for our country. Funny how that one act 7 years ago still comes to my mind today. If you would have told me what was going to happen in those 7 years I don't think I would have been able to believe a word of it.

Day 5: Your Dreams

My dreams. My dreams have changed a lot in the past couple of years. When I was little I wanted to be a career woman who would do anything. As I got older, I thought perhaps I'd have a string of lovers and never get married....enjoy my career, perhaps if children fell into the mix I'd roll with it.

In the last few years my dreams have changed. Right now I'm not even sure that I want to go to college. I know that eventually I want to finish my degree in whatever, but right now.....sigh, it just isn't fulfilling me the way it used to.

So what are my dreams? I want to get married, have children. Raise them to be amazing human beings. A career has just dropped off the table, and becoming the best wife and mother has all of a sudden taken the drivers seat. I don't know where it came from, but it's becoming more and more apparent to me that I was definitely born in the wrong decade. Nowadays it's considered the oddity to want to stay home and be a wife and mother, to put home first instead of career.

I don't know if my dreams will change again, but I feel so sure that this is what I want. I guess the future will show me. Wait and see isn't really my favorite thing to do, but it looks like that's what I'm going to have to do.

Day 4: Your sibling (or closest relative)

Well, I'm an only child, and really happy about it. I think that my personality would not have tolerated a sibling very much lol. I'm also not that close to my relatives, pretty much because they get on my nerves like no other. That being said, I think my closest relative would probably be my Auntie Quey. She's my aunt on my dad's side.....and technically my 3rd cousin. She's the only member of my dad's side that has never turned her back on me. When my dad disappeared everyone, including my grandmother, who had a huge hand in raising me for the first 5 years of my life, acted as though I didn't exist. For that I'll always be grateful to her. I know that she's caught a lot of shit from the family for continuing to be a part of my life, as well as being really close to my mom. I think that she considers us to be her only family, the rest are relatives.

Day 3: Your Parents

My Parents. What can I say about my parents?

My mom is just awesomeness. She gets me more than I give her credit for, and she makes me laugh with her silly antics. Yeah, she can also piss me off more than anyone else in the world, but as she likes to put it, that's her job as a mother lol. She listens to me when I'm going on and on about whatever subject I'm into, and does her best (while usually failing) to remember and follow along. I know that when the times comes she's going to be my go to person for all kid related things, and it definitely helps that she works in pediatrics! I think that I lucked out and got the best mother for me that I could get.

My father.....so many things could be said about him, and not very much of it good. My parents divorced when I was three, and he hasn't really been a big part of my life. He disappeared for good when I was around 12, and reappeared about three years ago. I haven't seen him very often, though every month or so he does deposit money in my account. I don't have a relationship with him, I don't understand him, nor does he understand me very much either. The day I accepted that (around my 18th birthday) was the day that I let go of any fleeting hopes of ever having a relationship with him. Most likely my children will never meet him. I doubt the Sailor ever will. It's a sad realization, but one that needed to be made. Now I take his money, occasionally call, and sometimes get free food out of a lunch or dinner.

Those are my parents. There's definitely a reason why God decided to give me an amazing super mom that could do such an amazing job of raising me by herself.

Day 2: My Crush

Kinda vague. Do I talk about a crush recently? Do I talk about my first crush? Actually......I think I've only ever had one lol. High school, I had the biggest crush on this guy Gabe. I thought he was so cute, with those dreamy hazel eyes and curly brown hair. He had little dimples when he smiled and this really sexy deep voice. Especially sexy seeing as how he had said voice when he was 14. I never had the courage to tell him how I felt, and I probably never will tell him what a mondo crush I had on him for pretty much all four years. For being such a small graduating class, I didn't speak or hang out with him much.....or at all actually so yeah. That's my one and only crush.

Day 1: My Best Friend

Hmmmmm well what on earth am I going to say about my best friend in the whole wide world?

This is difficult on so many levels, partly because I think I know her too well, so it's hard to describe her. Also, whenever I've tried, I've kinda made her out to be a little bit worse than what she really is. *sorry!* I'm gonna do my very very best to get it right this time though.

My bestie, we'll call her D, is just pure awesomeness. She listens to me bitch and whine, as well as endlessly praise and brag. She always feeds me awesome dinners, and I in turn feed her awesome deserts. We're just that cool! She is without a doubt my soulmate in every sense of the word. As different as we are, we're a lot alike, in little ways that have forged bonds so strong even stupid little comments we've made to each other hasn't really affected the structure of our relationship.

I guess I should start with some background. Neither of us is really sure how it was that we became friends. I find this really funny because we both know exactly when we met. I guess it was friendship at first sight? We met at a Christmas banquet my Academy was having. She was the "date" to a mutual friend that has since decided she hates me. Oh and she also used to be D's best friend. Yeah....I replaced her. Not to be confused with D and I having an affair on....well we'll call her E. It's just that D and E were having some problems, and decided to take a breather, and well D and J just ended up.....happening. Before we knew it, we were more than just friends who occasionally saw each other but when we did we would talk about everything and just generally not shut up, to friends who saw each other every weekend for sleepovers and never shutting up for two days on a weekly basis.

When E decided  to try and mend the riff with D......well, it didn't really turn out the way she wanted. Instead of coming back to a miserable D who was missing her.....she came back to a D who had moved on and given that special part of your heart reserved for that special BFF to moi. But that's not the reason E hates me. She started that way before, and has NEVER told the reason why. It's a mystery alright lol.

Back to D being awesome. She enables my lemonade addiction. She talks about tv characters like they're real people (I totally do too!) Gets mad at predictable plots, and talks throughout tv shows and movies just like me! Yeah, don't ever watch anything with us, we're REALLY obnoxious. We do try and keep it to a minimum when in a movie theater, but.....it's HARD to do that! She loves Star Gate, Star Wars, Star Trek (sensing a theme here?) and I got her hooked on The Big Bang Theory. She also loves really random BBC things like Dr. Who and Torchwood. She also knows that I'd rather burn out my eyes than watch that with her.

She's also the strongest prayer warrior I know. There is just something about her when she prays that makes me feel instantly better. I'm not one for public prayer, probably because I talk to God the way I talk to my friends, meaning I tell him to knock it off and stop being a punk. Not really something I'd want to say in front of others. D however, is just....awesome. She's the youth leader of her church. She's a junior Deaconess and she's really involved in Pathfinders.....kind of like a christian girl/boy scouts thing.

I admire her greatly, even though she is the biggest spaz I know. She also really sucks at spelling, but makes up for it with her grasp of math. She is one day going to keep me in the live I plan to very quickly become accustomed to :). She makes me smile when I'm sad, she calms me down when I'm pissed, and she makes me really really hyper when I'm happy. She's my soul mate, and I'm incredibly blessed to have her in my life. Jesus Freak and all.

30 Day Meme

Well since lately I've had absolutely no idea what to post about, I'm instead going to do one of those meme that have been so popular with the bloggy world! I got this from Mrs. Hollis and Mrs. B-Dub. They're both really awesome mommies who are really insightful women. I hope that when I have babies I'm half the mom these two are.

Day 1 - Your Best Friend
Day 2 - Your Crush
Day 3 - Your Parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 - Your Dreams
Day 6 - A Stranger
Day 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like
Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 -Someone you wish you could forgive
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 - The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 29 - The person that you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 - Your reflection

I Wish I Could Write

Writing is difficult for me. To put pen to paper, figuratively speaking, is really hard. I wish I was more eloquent, I wish I was more concise. I wish I could tell a story without going off on tangents, or being too wordy. Life would be awesome if I could only write.

Ok, no, not really, but it would definitely make my life easier. So much of the world is now writing. We write online, we write our resumes, we write papers for school. I write this blog, and yet when I look back, it seems so scattered, so depressing. I don't know how to write happy. For the most part, I am happy in my relationship. I know that I'm deeply loved, and I love back. Yes, we have our spats, our disagreements, and well.....I am an only child who has deep rooted "this is mine so don't touch it" issues lol. I think this is the reason I don't know where to draw the line at jealousy. I am a jealous person by nature, and it appears to be getting worse the closer we get. I'm jealous of every female in his life.

It really doesn't help that he met up with an ex of his the other day, and didn't tell me about it until after the fact. When I pressed, he admitted that he did love her, but she didn't feel the same. She was then stationed in Japan, he caught her cheating on him, and they broke up. It was messy, it wasn't resolved, and yet he went to meet her at the airport, went to a bar with her and a friend, and then drove her the Norfolk base to catch yet another flight.

Should I be ok with this? She then posts on his wall, tells him he's amazing, and calls him babe. This bothered me. A LOT. Right now, in this moment, I'm back to the feeling I was in from April to July. That depressing, "I'm in this alone" feeling. I know I can't control how others talk to my boyfriend, but the thing is, he doesn't see the wrong in this kind of behavior. Something similar happened when he was out here in July. A friend of his from back home was continuous texting him. At literally all hours of the night. There was a couple of times that she was texting him at 2AM! Now, I know that as a friend, you want to keep in contact, but I get limited face time with my boyfriend, and as a friend I would hope that my "friends" would respect that, and not want to distract said friend from my girlfriend with my stupid "whatcha doing" texts. Especially at the small hours of night!

Ok wow, didn't realize that I had this much bothering me about this. As of right now, I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. Little things set me off, especially other women. Sigh. I just wish that someone could tell me whether or not I was crazy about this.

It's CHARLIE!

Just a little something that the Sailor and I love. Especially the ring ring part.....it just makes me smile every single time I watch it!

So Maybe....

Not all doctors are complete idiots. Today I met a rather competent one who seems on top of what I've been diagnosed with. Yay for that! While yes, the numerous tests that I'm now going to have to go through are going to be the biggest pain in the butt ever, at least stuff is FINALLY getting taken care of!

Diagnosis: pseudo-tumor in the cranial cavity.

What does that mean? Simply put: my body is either producing too much spinal fluid/my body isn't absorbing my spinal fluid fast enough. In any case, there's just too much fluid in my body. All that fluid needs somewhere to go right? Typically what happens is fluid begins to build up in the back of the head, where the eye function controls are. The body treats this pocket of fluid as a tumor, but it doesn't show up on MRI or CT scans because  it's not a mass, it's liquid. (This is the reason why I've probably had this for six years and no one has ever diagnosed it before). Treatment: pills. Worse case scenario would be surgery, I don't know about you, but personally I'd rather not have someone putting a shunt in my spine to let the liquid drain. Not only would that be way painful, it just plain sounds gross!

Another symptom, besides blinding migraines, is possible tunnel vision. I guess when you have pressure on the eye controls that can affect your vision! Who knew? Maybe THAT'S the reason why my eyesight started going when my migraines started! My mom's been saying all along that the two are connected.....and yet the brilliant doctors just brushed her off. Mothers really do know best!
 While I doubt that my eyesight will get better one the medication starts taking effect, I do truly hope it doesn't get worse. I can't see the big "E" on the chart anymore.....and that's just plain sad.

Yes, this is a big deal. Yes, I'm kinda scared. However, to be completely honest, I'm just incredibly happy that I FINALLY have a diagnosis that explains so much of what is wrong with me. The Sailor has just been amazing about all of this. When I first told him the news he offered to fly out here on emergency leave. While, yes, it would be amazing to be able to see him before Dec. 15th, I don't think that he should be spending his money on something like this. I'm fine, I'm getting treatment, and all my doctors are FINALLY talking to each other about what the best plan is for me. One thing that did kinda suck was my doctor said I might have to get off the pill.....yeah that's going to suck. Other than that, I'm for the first time in six years hopeful that this isn't how I have to live the rest of my life. Let me just say that this is a very freeing feeling!

Symbols

Why do I always seem to post late at night? Usually when I'm so tired that I can barely think? I'm really starting to think that I do this on purpose so I can give myself an excuse to not go to school in the morning. That's bad! I really need to get out of that habit. Oh the problems of a night owl. There are a couple of things that I would love to post about, and they're running around in my head. One of my problems when it comes to sleeping is my brain goes into hyperdrive when I'm trying to sleep. Blog posts pop into my head, and the wittiest paragraphs get crafted. What a shame it doesn't work like that when I'm conscious and actually at my computer!


Today I started thinking about my birthday. Not next birthday, but this last one. I actually spent my birthday in Sedona, AZ.  My mom and I decided to go on a roadtrip down to the Grand Canyon. While pretty, I kinda felt it was more than a little overrated. Plus, being around that many people makes me feel really claustrophobic. Ironic seeing how vast the GC is!

Back to Sedona. I loved it there. I found it incredibly peaceful, and the B&B that we stayed at was breathtaking. I would love to go back there with the Sailor someday! Click here if you want to look at pictures! I would totally recommend this place to anyone. I also got my haircut there. Hands down the best haircut I have ever gotten. Yeah, I kinda fell in love with Sedona.

This however, isn't why I was thinking about my birthday. Don't you just love how I go off on these random tangents? It's like having a conversation with me. Just picture it all in a complete valley girl voice. Because apparently, that's the perfect description of how I talk. I don't hear it, but everyone else who meets me does. The reason I was thinking about my birthday was because I get a constant reminder of my birthday when I look down at my left hand.

This is what I see. My birthday present from the Sailor! (btw yay for me finally figuring out links and pictures!) It's a promise ring, or commitment ring, or hey look away she's taken ring. Depends on who you talk to the title changes. Personally, I just know that this ring makes me insanely happy.

However, the Sailor didn't actually give me this ring until he came for this visit in July. Why one might ask....well first of all he was in three back to back schools from mid-May until the end of June. Second, He didn't trust the post office. Third, we were having problems lol. After we got back together and all was well in our world once more, I asked him if this ring was "just a birthday present" the way he had pretty much told everyone. He replied: No it's not. It's so much more than a birthday present babe. It's a physical symbol of my love for you, so that you can be reminded whenever you look at it. It's also a promise that while I might screw up, I promise that I won't ever hurt you the way I did these last few months.

Now I know that he's not perfect, but sometimes he knows just the right things to say to get me all weepy!

The Dreaded D

Yup. It's now on the horizon. Boy this is going to suck big time! Apparently the Boyfriend will know tomorrow the location, pretty much every detail about where he's going to be. Yay for secret squirrel stuff I guess. I completely forgot about this bummer news in light of the fact that we were so incredibly silly on the phone today. However, it's late, I'm in bed, and I start to think about what happened to me today. What's the first thing that popped into my head? The fact that my darling dork will be boots on the ground in the Middle East. Yikes! Ok, I know that I promised him that I wasn't going to dwell on this until necessary, but come on! You can't tell me news like this and then expect me NOT to worry about it! and he calls me the one who lives in a fantasy land lol. I KNOW that he will be well protected and with with some of the biggest bad asses that the Navy can provide. Still doesn't squelch that annoying little voice in my head that tells me all the horrible scenarios that could happen. OR the annoying people that for some reason feel the need to mention the worst question possible to anyone who is worrying about someone overseas: "are you worried about him getting hurt when he's there?" ummmm no, or course I'm not worried that the man I'm in love with is going to a war zone where there are crazy people who would love to kill him! What kind of a crazy question is that? Ok, that part of my rant is over. Just needed to purge it out and hopefully that'll let me sleep. I've almost been afraid to sleep these last few nights, and I think that it's because this has been in the back of my head. Now that it's out, hopefully I'll get some advice on how to deal with the anticipation, not to mention the actual big D! Night night, I'm off to dreamland.

Dorks

I love how much of a dork the Boyfriend and I are with each other. It's pretty awesome. Back when we first started dating we played the I love you more game. It was super fun, and led to really funny comparisons. He totally won when he decided to say I love you more than there are neurons in the universe. LOL! Not only did he hit dork of the week, he also hit nerd of the month with that statement :) Lately it's we've been competing to see who wins. I like to say I do, and he obviously doesn't like that one bit! Soooo.....what's our contest? We've started adding, multiplying, squaring, and cubing numbers to see who wins. He gets way more into it than I do it's adorable! Of course, I win by simply saying "plus one" haha. Yep, today's goodnight call was short and sweet, and very very silly. It's put me in a silly mood!

Conversations

When you have pretty much based your entire relationship on conversations, relying on words to communicate what most (normal) couples are able to convey in looks and caresses....well you learn that words hold way more power than you thought they did. I never thought that I would be one of those girlfriends who needed to be reassured constantly of the fact that she was loved. To a degree I'm not, at least I don't think so (if you do please don't spoil my illusions!) but, lately I've noticed that I've been needing that extra reassurance. I don't know if the distance is all of a sudden really getting to me, or if the loop my Sailor decided to throw me into has got me thinking of all that I could have if I just said yes to moving in with him. It could be remnants of that nasty emotional business we went through in July, but....if I don't hear how much he loves me, or how wonderful he thinks I am, I feel....unloved. I absolutely hate that about myself. I pride myself on not needing to hear words of validation from others. That I was always able to be the one who did that for myself. Let's just say that the ugly duckling stage that was.....oh about ten years give or take took it's toll and has me hesitant to believe it when people tell me that I'm beautiful. I know that my boyfriend loves me. I know that he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. I love him more for the fact that he seems to have picked up on me needing to hear this more often and has obliged without me having to say anything about it. If anything, if I asked him, he'd probably just tell me to shut up, that I should know by now that he thinks I'm beautiful and he enjoys telling me that regularly. Whatever happened to make this switch in him I thank God for everyday. My conversations with him are growing deeper and richer everyday. Even if they are 60% quoting Charlie the Unicorn, The Big Bang Theory, and House. I just got off the phone with him, and if you couldn't tell.....we had an amazing conversation.

Surprises and Secrets

I don't like them. Probably because I'm so horrible at keeping secrets. It really doesn't help that my Sailor has actually been to school to keep secrets and getting them out of people. This usually involves me telling him his surprises and him just giving me annoyingly vague hints about my surprises. Yes this is all leading up to something.

October 1st is our one year anniversary! and we've been discussing the presents. Apparently I'm going to be getting 2-3 parts! This is getting exciting, because when he does get me presents, they're pretty frickin awesome! Whereas I.....suck at presents. So ladies, if you can take some time to comment and give me some ideas, that would be so absolutely amazing :)

Little Update

My last post had some pretty big news, and after thinking about it a lot, talking a bunch of different people, though unfortunately not my bestie seeing as how she's in Europe right now and I can't talk to her :( that I'm not going to be moving out there around January. Its just too soon, moving way too fast, and I don't think that it's a very good idea right now. I told my Sailor that, and he told me that while its not like he's not disappointed, he's going to go with whatever I say. It's really nice the changes that have happened in the last three weeks. He's letting me set the pace of our relationship, and he's supporting every decision I make. He knows I love him, and this isn't because I dont want to live with him, but....I just don't think that me moving in with him three months before his deployment is going to be good for me, and ultimately for us. Instead, my counter-offer was this: I stay here, transfer to a university, go there for winter, spring, and summer quarters then take next fall off and spend as much time as possible for when he comes home. Who knows? Maybe by then we can start talking about getting engaged, or even marriage by this time as one of our options. I feel kind of proud of myself for this decision, because as hard as it was to say no, I know that it's the right one to make right now for the both of us.

Bad Blogger....and Big News

Is me. Like I've said before, when things are going good I don't want to jinx it by saying how good they're going. While a few days ago I had a very interesting....and kind of confusing conversation with the boyfriend last night, after talking it out, thinking a lot about it, and then then talking about it with my ex who's actually kind of become a really good friend lately.

While I'm not going to spend this post talking about Michael, my ex, I will say this about him: he sucked as a boyfriend, and there are times when he's the flakiest friend I have. However, he's the one that I feel the most comfortable talking openly and honestly about my relationship. I guess it's because I don't feel the need to put the Sailor in a positive light for Michael. Not to say that I paint him in a negative light, but there is so need to airbrush my Sailor's rough streaks. Michael knows how happy I am with my boyfriend. He acknowledges that he is the better man for me. When the Sailor broke up with me (the first time) it was Michael that I cried to. He's the one that gave me the words of encouragement to be able to see that there was a light at the end of tunnel, but that the end of the tunnel didn't mean the end of my relationship. He gave me hope when I thought I didn't have anymore, and for that, I'll always be grateful to him.

Moving on, tonight, as my Sailor was calling me to say goodnight, and talk a little bit before he fell asleep early because he's going to cover a watch shift, he out of the blue mentions that maybe we can move up the time that I move out there to be with him. Now before I get into that (yeah I know, I suck at storytelling) let me say something else. A couple of days ago, I was talking to a really good friend of mine, Brooke. Brooke is a Navy Fiancee, and a really sweet, kick-ass girl that I'm glad I have in my corner. Brooke and I had a LONG conversation, and by long I mean upwards of four hours. During this conversation I came to the conclusion that I want to finish getting my degree already. After this semester, I want to transfer to a university and just apply myself until I graduate. To be completely honest, at this point in my life, it's not a feeling of if I don't do it now I won't ever do it. I know that I will get a degree, even if I don't do it right now. The way I work is to be able to work at my own pace. This drives my mom nuts. My mom has always been a "let's rush to finish this so we can move on to the next thing" kind of person. I've always been a "let me take my life, do it right and savor it" kind of person. To say that I drive her crazy would be an understatement.

Lately, she's been riding me hard about school. It's gotten to the point where we can't have a conversation about anything without it somehow coming back to school. So in actuality, the degree thing is more about her. I think that my shit would be a lot more put together if I could just get out of here. There's just the question right now of the empty bank account that I have. It makes the most sense to just stay here, go to community one more semester to be able to have enough credits to transfer and do it already. My one concern out of this was: would the Sailor be willing to wait the two or so years it would take for this to happen? When I brought a lot of these points up to him, I point blank asked him if he would be able to deal. If you can remember, one of his points for wanting to break up (the second time) was that he couldn't deal with the thought of having to wait 13 months until I moved out there. So.....I asked. Can you deal with this? Can you wait?

He said yes. He said that while he wasn't too thrilled with the idea, he's now realized how much he does love me, and that we are worth waiting for, everything a girl wants to hear right? It took him 10 months so say, but who's counting?

Back to the whole moving me out there sooner deal. Now that we've agreed that me going to school, getting my degree, and all that jazz is the plan. He's going on and on and on about how much it's going to suck. How much he misses being around me. How much he wants us to start our life together. Why is it that when I say that he freaks, pulls back, and puts me through hell for 3 months.....but when I decide my plan, moving on, something that doesn't revolve around him, he freaks in another way? His re-enlistment is going to be happening in Nov. I'm going out there in Dec. and it looks like his bonus is going to be a good chunk of change. He offered to use some of that money to get me moved out there and an apartment or townhouse for us. I should be thrilled.

Instead, I'm just wondering when he's going to pull the plug. I'm afraid to dream of our future. I'm afraid to even think about it. Why? Because in my heart of hearts, I don't think that he's ready. He loves the idea of me full time, but I know that I am....a handful to say the least. I don't know if I can handle moving away from my entire life, without any promises. I'm not making an ultimatum, but honestly, do you think it's wise to move across the country for a boyfriend who can't bring himself to even say he wants to be with me forever? He says he wants to be with me for a "good long while" what does that mean? I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I want the fairy tale that so many of my bloggy friends seem to have. I want the promises of everlasting love. I know that they can't be a guarantee, but the fact that someone is willing to promise means something. Tomorrow we'll probably talk about this some more. He couldn't really defend himself, or state his case because he needs to get up.....actually right around nowish lol. I guess tomorrow I'll be a little closer to figuring this out. I just don't really understand why is it that as soon as something is going really good he does something like this that completely throws me into a loop.

It's funny

How I don't feel like blogging at all when things are going good. Almost like I'm really afraid that I'm going to jinx it by saying yay! Ooops I hope that this isn't like saying "good luck" before a performance. I love my boyfriend, and I'm happy that we're finally getting back to a good place. I'm happy that we (he) finally figured out what we (he) wants out of this relationship, and I want this to work out so much that I'm afraid. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is no way to live. I just hope and pray that I can get the strength to accept that good things can again happen in this relationship.

He's Gone

And I haven't cried. Not really anyways. I caught up on Army Wives, and this week's episode did make me tear up a little. However, those tears really didn't feel like they were for my Sailor. They were just sympathy tears for fictional characters lol. As wrong as it might sound, I'm actually really happy that I haven't cried at all. To say it feels good would be an understatement. My last trip out, when I got home, I cried for two days. The trip before that, I shed a few tears right before I landed home, and the trips before were little commuter flights from San Diego to SF. I also didn't think that I was going to see him again after those two trips down, so I didn't think that I could justify tears to myself. I know it might not seem like it, but I'm really not that much of an emotional person. At least, I'm not emotional as in I cry a lot. I explain my emotions a little too well, I'm in tune with my emotions a little too well if you want to put a fine point on it, but I'm not one who cries over the little things. What I'm trying to say in a very long way is that me not crying over the fact that he's gone is good. It means that I feel good about how we ended stuff. We've talked an insane amount this trip out. I think that he's really gotten to know me a lot better, and I really do feel that he's starting to understand me, and love all of me. He says that he feels this trip he fell in love with me all over again. I hope that that's true. It would be awesome if this honeymoon feeling could last always. I know that it won't. We'll change, we'll grow, and we're going to have to be able to move with that. I really do hope and pray that we can, and not fall back on old habits. I'm starting to feel my hope grow again when it comes to the future. That's enough to make me smile right now.

Happy to have my reality back

It's been more than a little interesting having the boyfriend finally be here. On numerous levels it's been amazing. He's been attentive, caring, considerate, loving.....on the other hand, he's also been a brat, obnoxious, annoying, and a huge pain in the ass. Lol those are just all the things I love about him, and for the most part it's stuff that I enjoy about him. He makes me happy. For all this annoying goofy ways that boy can make me smile and squeal like no other on earth.

Yesterday we drove to Davis to visit with my BFF. They actually got on well, something that I was a little (haha a little, ok a lot) worried about. They both said that they liked each other, and she told me when he went for a smoke break that she's never seen me this happy in the 5+ years she's known me :D (that was my cheesy smile that I think has been permanently attached to my face since Tuesday) it's been awesome. Right now we're just chillin in my room. Ahh Real Monsters! is on, we're both on our laptops, me on my bed and him on my comfy oversized chair/couch thingy. He's on his Farm (big surprise) but....well it's different when he's actually with me.....his presence is enough.

Tomorrow I'm taking him to church.....won't that be interesting? It's probably wrong, but I really really have wanted to do this for months now! The sailor at church :) that was a semi evil grin btw.

Whatever it was that was weird between us last trip hasn't popped up. I'm praying that it doesn't happen again, because 3 months of living with that shit was more than enough! I'm just happy to have the amazing man I fell in love with back and hope he's here to stay!

He's HERE!

And it's awesome :D I love that dork!

I Can't Sleep

and it's driving me crazy!

The past few weeks my sleep schedule has been completely thrown off and I have absolutely no idea why. I can't sleep during the night. For some reason, night comes, I want to sleep, and yet......I don't. Annoying as hell! I've been trying to sleep for the last 3 hours....and look where that's gotten me, on blogger complaining to the internet void that I can't sleep. Sigh. Maybe it's nerves.....maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's that I really just want to fall asleep with him next to me again. It's weird how much I miss sleeping next to him. Funny, especially seeing as how that was never my favorite part about my exes. I kind of hated sleeping over, though I kind of had to seeing as how they all lived kind of far from me. Never got comfortable sleeping next to someone until the Sailor came along. Now it's really hard for me to sleep without him a few weeks before and a few weeks after a trip to see him. On the bright side, I only have to wait 3 more days until I'm in his arms. Let's just hope that my lovely visitor from Mother Nature won't still be around by Tuesday. Why is it that I seem to get my period whenever I'm going to see him? Talk about inconvenient!

He'll be here SOON!

Happiness! The boyfriend will be landing in....well now that it's officially past midnight, 6 days! I am so incredibly excited! *before the OPSEC warnings come flying in, he's not deployed, not in training, and not in any sort of school. He took some leave so he can see me and meet my family.* Now.....this is of course after we will have been together for 9 months.....and he's just meeting my mom.......is it just me or is something kind of wrong with that? My mom has been incredibly patient about this whole thing, even though she thought that he wasn't going to end up coming out here at all. Nice faith there momma! I'm happy and excited that he's FINALLY going to be getting his butt out to my side of the country!

The meeting of the family.....well, not too excited about that part, because my family's nuts, but they REALLY want to meet the guy that has put such a huge smile on my face whenever I talk about him. Apparently, I glow. Who knew? It's nice that they see how happy that dork makes me, and that's the reason why they want to meet him so much. I just hope he doesn't ruin the image by being more than his usual dorky self.

We have so much planned! There's going to be the meeting of the family, a bunch of stuff around the Bay, and.....wait for it......DISNEYLAND! Yes I know, this just gave me dork status, but I love Disneyland, and haven't been since I was like 12. To make it even better, I'll actually be going on a bunch of rides that I've never been on, such as Space Mountain. I'm excited.....can you tell yet?

Church & The Boyfriend.....how will it go?

Personally, I don't believe in organized religion. It's just not for me. I respect those that do, how can I not with my BFF so involved in her church? I go to church with her sometimes, because it's the only way I can actually see her during the summer. I know how to act during Bible study with her parents, participate when asked to, give insightful opinions that sometimes mask how I really feel about what we're talking about. It's exhausting sometimes. She knows how I feel, because we do our best not to keep secrets from each other. Her parents think that while I may not be as orthodox as they are, as she is, I'm still a good influence on her, I'm still a good SDA girl. I'm really not. I'm just really good at hiding behind my "SDA mask."

I think whats brought a lot of this on is the fact that my boyfriend is coming out for a visit in less than two weeks. Which is a huge yay! I'm excited. It feels like forever since I've seen him, though in reality I saw him in March. The fighting has drained both of us, and I hope that the time together will help heal all the wounds that might still be festering. I'm also worried. I'm worried to introduce him to my friends, to my family. Everyone is expecting us to get married soon, and I'm realizing that to me, "soon" is within the next few years. To him "soon" means within this year. The way we mark time is different. I'm slowly starting to understand that, and focus on what I need to get done. Knowing that I feel more at peace with where we are, but to have my family poking and prodding at us asking when we're going to be married might just bring up some of our old fights......and I REALLY don't want that anymore.

I'm also afraid to have him see my SDA mask. To see me trying to take the discussions seriously, and try not to laugh at his face, because I know that he's going to want to laugh at whatever we're talking about. I'm worried at how I'm going to explain that he smokes, and will probably want to smoke sometime when we're at church. I'm worried because he swears......well, like a sailor. If you haven't gotten the message by now, that is if you're still reading this, my friends are pretty orthodox. Most of them are still virgins, and I'm also worried that he's going to let something slip about the fact that we have sex. Especially in front of my BF's mom.......who is kinda scary. I'm worried about how they're going to interact, because I've told him a lot about her, and he's already decided he doesn't like her. While I love him, he's not exactly known for his acting skills. Let's just say that I have a lot of worries about this trip. The excitement is at war with my nerves at this point. Let's just hope excitement wins.