Birthday Recap

So, the reason that I haven't been blogging lately (not that I've ever been that much of a regular blogger, I know bad me) is because my BIRTHDAY was the 28th. Now, one thing that people don't really know about me is that I LOVE my birthday. I don't care about people throwing me a party, or even really getting presents for that matter, but I just love my birthday. Since my 19th birthday my mom has treated me to a spa treatment and a mani/pedi.

Usually it's a facial, this year was a waxing. Honestly, same level of pain if you ask me. I haven't had a mani/pedi since Sailorman deployed, I got one the day before he left while he went to shoot his guns. Without a doubt, best feeling ever. Not to mention I love looking at my pretty fingers now!

My mommy completely spoiled me. The 27th I got my mani/pedi, and we went to shop for my birthday presents. Since I was 16 my mom has given up on surprising me with gifts. Instead, I get to choose them out and she wraps them. I got a new straightener, which was desperately needed. My old one which lasted 5 years wouldn't heat up unless it was standing up. As soon as I would go to use it it would turn off and lose heat. That was annoying to say the least lol. I also got a bunch of shirts, some jeans, a skirt, and really pretty roses.

She also got me dim sum, which was yummy! and a Chinese birthday cake, which is my absolute favorite birthday cake ever. If you've never had one, it's pretty much sponge cake with whipped cream frosting and whipped cream mixed with freshly cut fruit in the middle. After we ate I went to take a shower, and when I got out, still in my towel, the door rang. Now, I had gotten a phone call when I was in the shower and I was checking my messages two minutes before. It turns out the driver was having a hard time finding my house, and the flower shop guy was calling for directions. Me being the smart girl I am, I deduced that Sailorman had sent me flowers for my birthday.

I was right! They're really beautiful red roses, and my mother made me answer the door in my towel with wet hair.....the old delivery man kept talking to me and was oogling me! Sigh.....my mom still thinks this is an adorable anecdote.

All in all, this was an awesome 23rd. Sailorman kept saying that it sucks that this is the second birthday he's missed since we've been together. Now he's determined to make sure my next one he's there for. I'd like to know how that's going to happen, but until then I guess I'll let him dream.

The More You Ruv Someone

 Time to link up again with Amber over at Goodnight Moon

Ok, I have a *slight* obsession with musicals. I haven't seen Avenue Q live yet, but I am a *little* obsessed with the songs lol. Personally, I think this song is rather fitting considering my situation.....aren't you glad I've been able to keep my sense of humor throughout all of this?

Two Weeks

That's how long it's been since The Incident. In that time, and honestly it feels like a lot longer than two weeks, Sailorman has twisted himself into a pretzel to do what is right. I know that this is to be commended. I'm not mad anymore. That's a lie. I'm still mad. But, I'm also strangely getting to an "ok" place with it too. While this isn't what I wanted, I did want a change in our relationship. I don't think that what we had was healthy. Now looking back, and because retrospect is ALWAYS 20/20, I see how much I let slide, how much I left those little hurts fester until I was a brimming pool of bitterness, resentment, and anger. I look back and realize that for the longest time, and to be completely honest, I think it's been well over a year, I have been thoroughly and completely unhappy.

What a sad thing to realize. I thought I was happy when I was living it, but now I know. I wasn't I was existing. My life was completely all about Sailorman. My opinions were becoming his opinions. My thoughts his thoughts. I realized that I knew him better than I knew myself. That frightens me to a level I didn't know I was capable of being frightened.

Like my mother always says, "God has a plan for everything, even the bad things. You might not see the big picture, but He does. So trust Him."

Wise woman my mother.

I know now that God allowed The Incident to happen so that I could get a very big wake up call. Not only me, but Sailorman as well. I'm amazed by how much he has changed, and how much he willing to do now. These aren't just surface changes either. The changes that he is implementing go deep down to the core that his is very person. And no, I'm not "making" him do these changes, he's realized that he needs to change who he is in order to be the man that he wants to be. The man who in his words is worthy of "Honor, Courage, Commitment" not just to the Navy, but to me, to his family.

He's finally realizing that our relationship is more important than friendships he's had for years. This might sound like I'm being a complete dictator. I'm not, honest. The only thing that I'm doing is leading by example, and he's FINALLY being receptive to the standards that I hold myself to. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Neither is he. But the fact that he is willing to strive to be the kind of person who I want to be with gives me hope.

I know that I'm bound to have days of utter frustration and want to throw in the towel. But doing The Love Dare, seeing his effort....I think I'm finally getting to a place where my relationship gives me peace.  Something tells me this time it'll work out for the best. Why? Because for the first time since we've been together, we're putting God as our relationship base, not me. That means we have a bedrock foundation, and everyone knows that's the strongest foundation you can get.

Something New

Today, instead of going on and on and on and on and on (you get the point) about my endless confusion, I'd like to share a discovery I've made. It's about something near and dear to my heart.

Shampoo and conditioner. Yeah, you read that right. I am a total hair care junkie. I love to try new things, and have no shame in returning that which does not work. Same goes for skincare, but that's another post for another day.

A few weeks ago, Sephora was giving away Ojon shampoo and conditioner. Score right? Totally! It's a repairing duo, designed to help restore your hair. Here's a picture.

Did I like it? Eh, it's ok. I'll use it cuz it's free. Would I buy it? Probably not. While I like the way it smells, it leaves me feeling with my hair a little dry, and stiff. Not the soft luxurious strands that I'd want for the $24 for shampoo and the $25 for conditioner that Sephora is asking for. 

My amazing discovery however is this:

$5.99 each. Leaves hair feeling soft, restored, and frankly, pretty close to the feeling that you get with a fresh haircut. Just goes to show that sometimes more money doesn't necessarily mean better value.

Hello Roller Coaster of Emotions, I Don't Like You

I hate the ups and downs I get. This isn't normal deployment moodiness, or relationship mourning. It's....well, it's both combined tossed in with the confusion that is not actually breaking up, but also not really doing anything (at least on my part) that would equal being in a relationship. I don't say I love you, I don't call him by any endearments, and I don't say I miss you. Or make plans for the future. I'm just sort of, existing in this messed up broken relationship.

Not to mention I'm mad as hell. Today I had a fit. It was bad. I just don't understand, and I REALLY want to understand why he ruined the life we were building together for someone who meant NOTHING to him. Why would anyone throw EVERYTHING away for nothing? The day after I found out the specifics was the day that I was supposed to buy my wedding band. Talk about a cliche.

I wish this could be resolved, one way or the other. I wish I knew what I wanted, besides not wanting to feel as though I've been blasted by a shotgun. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way and it's only been a week. As much as I'm praying for guidance all God is telling me is to wait. That's it. There is no other direction. It's not wait patiently, angrily, or frustratedly. There is no direction one way or the other from God what I'm supposed to do here. Have I mentioned that this SUCKS? I'm feeling very "from the depths of my soul I cry out to you" and all I'm getting in return is wait.

Maybe I'm not as patient as I thought I was. I'm not patient when my emotions are running high. Speaking of emotions, I have yet to get a stress migraine. That's the good news. The bad? I'm eating too much junk and shopping. The eating is bad for me, luckily I have a joint account with Sailorman and no, I haven't been abusing that, but I have been using that card for my retail therapy. I figure since he's the one that is making me shop he should pay for it. That's petty, I recognize this, but I'm sure by now you're getting the fact that I'm pissed off.

I wonder if any of my reasons have ever been in this situation before. If so, can you give me some coping techniques? Please?

What's Your Song?

It's that time again, the Link Up with Amber over at Goodnight Moon.

This song has kind of been playing in my head ever since The Incident with Sailorman. I don't really know why, other than the obvious regret in the lyrics. I guess the endless source of confusion is getting to me.

The Love Dare

My book finally came in today. I ordered one for Sailorman as well, but unfortunately it takes three times as long for amazon to ship anything out to an APO address. So, what did I do instead? I copied down the first dare and emailed it to him. Yup.....I typed out the whole thing, and have just finished typing out days two and three. I don't know if I'm insane, driven, or just really want this relationship to work and I will sink my nails into anything that might help. Something tells me it might be the last one.

We were chatting when I sent the first dare out to Sailorman. I didn't know that he thought of me as so impatient. Honestly, I think I'm one of the most patient people I know. I might complain a little bit, but I have no problems waiting. I have a problem NOT KNOWING stuff. Maybe he's mistaking curiousity for impatience? Huh, good question to ask tomorrow if he can get online. Right in the middle of chatting his internet died. I know this for sure because FB chat was being a butt so we switched to Yahoo. Since that died when he was in midthought, I'm assuming his internet cut out. I can't believe he has to pay almost a hundred bucks a month for such a crappy connection. Oh well, I'm sure I'm going to wake up to an apology email/message telling me that the internet died.

Something that I've realized over this past week. We have spoken more often about stuff that actually matters in the last 5 days than we have for, well honestly as long as I can remember. Sad that it's taken something as horrible as this to get both of us communicating, dialoging, and listening to each other the way we should've been all along. Of course, this also means he's a lot more prone to listening to me and all of my amazing thoughts, unlike before when he would scoff and ask me if I had been reading self help books again.

I'm hopeful that the Dares will help us realize something about each other, and ourselves. From what I've read so far, it doesn't look terribly difficult. Of course, I've just read the first three. Let's wait until I get to say 30 or something. I don't that I'll post about every single day, but I'll be sure to keep an update. If anything, this can be my records of my reactions to the Dares. I guess my reaction to Day One was, I think I'm a patient person, and Sailorman doesn't agree, interesting.

Ok, I'm going to post this and go to sleep now, even I recognize that last paragraph and complete and utter rambling.

Disengaged in the Engagement

Today I had to mention Sailorman. It was weird, awkward, and I stumbled before calling him my fiance. It felt....wrong to call him my fiance. If anything, I think I'd prefer to call him my boyfriend. But, that feels wrong too. What do I call him? My person? My special someone? Those are wrong too. My estranged fiance? Talk about an oxymoron there. I feel so disconnected. When we talk, it's started to feel a bit more comfortable. That first conversation we had when I wasn't yelling at him...that was weird to say the least. Now he talks about our future, and I don't say anything. He talks about me moving out there, and I gently correct him by saying IF.

I'm trying to work this out, I'm trying to move on. I know that this only happened a week ago, and I should allow myself time to settle. I don't have to forgive right now. I shouldn't forgive right now. I just wish that the healing process would speed up and I could get past the uncertainty that is my life right now.

I'm glad he's getting help. He went to the Chaplain today, he got some "homework" and is making the moves towards a relationship with God. That is all WONDERFUL news. I am glad. But I'm also frustrated. I'm confused, and don't really have an unobjective third party to help me out. Man this situation SUCKS.

The Mood Today

 Enough Said.

The Storm

I don't really know where to begin. How do you blog "objectively" about something that you're in the middle of? I guess it's like describing a storm. You can only effectively describe what is in your field of vision. It's only until the storm is over and you can see the aftermath do you know how much damage there is. Not to mention you can see where you need to rebuild.

As of right now, the storm is still raging. My anger, my frustration, and my bafflement are still on in full force. I'm hurt, I'm upset, and I'm so incredibly sad. For the both of us. Sailorman is just a "boy" at the ripe old age of 23. I'm behind him by roughly two months. I know we're young, and still feel the violent emotions of the youth. That being said, what he has done is worse than what most people do in high school. At least in my opinion.

He is sorry. We have literally just ended an almost three hour conversation, not including the two hour chat conversation before that where we hashed out quite a bit from his transgressions. I'm not just talking about what he has done lately, but the stuff that he's done throughout our whole relationship. Things that I am just now starting to realize, and luckily enough for me (if you can try to find a silver lining in this huge mess) I have the opportunity to completely change our relationship.

I have always felt so passive in our relationship. A lot like those people who constantly complain about the government but never bother to vote. They just complain and raise little fusses, they however do not ever implement any real structural changes that will actually make the difference they hope for. I was like that. I'm not anymore. This whole thing has caused me to find a strength I didn't know I possessed. I'm proud of that.

I'm proud of how I've handled this. This is a major thing that is happening! I've told my mom, my best friend Dee, and my ex boyfriend who is one of my best male friends. Those three are the only who know what's going on with me right now. Those three have been nothing but supportive, encouraging, and surprisingly, not bitter or resentful towards Sailorman. Instead, they have offered good advice, told me that they'll stand behind me no matter what my choices are.

I think for right now we might be nearing the eye of the storm. I know that just means it's a calm before it picks back up. Hopefully during that calm we'll be able to get some progress done in laying in a new foundation. I've ordered The Love Dare for us to try. I guess I'll keep you all informed as the storm progresses.

Link Up

 Go check out Amber's Link Up part over at Goodnight Moon

Taylor Swift, enough said right? She is the teeny queen of the broken heart if you ask me. If you need a reason as to why, well, look at the previous blog post. Today I'm just wrung out.

How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

The other shoe has dropped. I was waiting for it, so maybe I willed it to happen. I don't want to put that sort of pressure or power on myself, because well, it doesn't matter how difficult or annoying I might get, I sure as hell did not deserve this. You can use your imagination, it was fairly sordid was Sailorman did, though I suppose not as bad as it could've been. I wont go into details. Rare for me, because let's be honest, I'm not too well known for keeping my mouth shut. I talk. A lot. That also means I write a lot. I love that I now have 39 followers hopefully some of who actually read all the ramblings that go on here.

Back to my broken heart. I confronted Sailorman last night, after we had a minor argument where he made me feel incredibly guilty about something and I apologized. His internet cut out for about half an hour, and in that half an hour I discovered something. For the next ten to fifteen minutes I sat there. Horror, dread, revulsion making a not at all fun smoothie in my stomach.

I couldn't take it anymore. I shot off a message, hoping that he'd get it tonight and reply. He did, with his usual "you're being paranoid" that worked all too well in the past. This time, I wasn't going to back down. I kept at it. I used the skills that had I gone down a different path would have made me an amazing lawyer. If I hadn't been so sick, if I had been able to stay in class....my school path would have me starting my first year of grad school by now, on my way to law school eventually. I used those skills, and I hammered him down systematically.

The fact that I was in such a shocked state, even now, I marvel at how well I was able to get it out of him. There it was, the truth, out there for me to see. And my heart effectively broke. More than broke, a part of my heart died right then and there. It makes you wonder, is muscle death really permanent? Is there a possibility to be able to move on, to regain use of that portion of muscle again?

There is a small part of me, the part that is dying but not yet dead, and certainly hopes so. That there is a way to move past the anger, the betrayal, the shock, and the unshed tears.

He wants to make it right. My position is, it should've been right from the start. The trust is gone. Can you continue to love without trust? He has willingly given me his passwords to everything, he has said yes to everything I have said. And I said a lot that I know he doesn't like. I will always have access to his phone. I will be allowed to read every email, every fb message, and every little bit of chat left over.

Is that enough? I know he wants to make it right. I know he's sorry. The question is, is he sorry he did it or sorry he got caught? I don't know what to do. I guess for all intents and purposes we're separated right now. I'm keeping my relationship status the same, but that's more so I don't have to answer a bunch of really annoying questions from all of our mutual friends and respective family members. I don't know if  I SHOULD stay with him. I've prayed on it, I prayed about it when I first discovered it. I felt God telling me to say something. That now was the time to speak up. I also heard God telling me to wait, to continue to be there for Sailorman. I'm also fairly certain I heard God telling me to make him crawl on broken glass, and if he was willing to do so then he was worthy of me.

I know this is  both a depressing and rather scattered post. This is what my brain is right now. Things were going so well.....

Another Award!

So, the ever so lovely Manda from My Explosive LIfe as an EOD Tech's Wife  gave me this awesome award! Yay!

As we all know, the rules are: Thank the person who gave you the award. Thank you Manda! :D
Share 7 Random Facts about yourself:

1. It really bugs me when people (mainly Sailorman) deliberately misinterupts what I'm saying. 

Example: SM: I really miss you

Me: me too 

SM: you miss yourself? 

gah, that gets on my nerves! 

2. I have a pseudotumor cerebri which pretty much means I have a tumor that isn't a tumor in my head. Cliff Notes version is I either produces too much spinal cord fluid or my body doesn't absorb it fast enough. This went untreated for almost 8 years, so the result is a pool of excess fluid in my brain. Hard to diagnose because it doesn't show on any normal brain scans. Only way to test for it is a spinal tap, which SUCKS just in case you didn't know. After that very torturous procedure was over though, I'm on meds and am on my way to getting all better. 

3. I'm a little addicted to cutting my hair. This annoys everyone else in my life but me. I usually only regret the haircuts after I've seen pictures of what my hair used to be, though at the time I thought it looked awful. Hence the desire to cut. 

4. I love Chipotle. So much so that for Valentine's Day, Sailorman got me a gift card. 

5. I have no problems returning things that I don't like, even if I've used them. To my thinking, if I'm going to pay good money for a product that doesn't work, I should get my money back. Most likely I'm going to spent it in your store again anyways. 

6. I haven't had a manicure/pedicure in 2 months, and you can REALLY tell. Thank goodness my birthday is coming up. My mom always treats me to a mani/pedi.  

7. I'm coming to realize that the 7 and change years I dealt with migraines was the perfect boot camp to deal with military lifestyle. It taught me to be tough. To push through unspeakable pain. Not to mention realize that in order to do anything, even the most basic of tasks, I had to rely on myself to get it done. It takes an enormous amount of will to even take a drink of water when you have a migraine. That same stubbornness has helped me through a lot of tough times with the path that I've chosen.

Now, for the last leg of the rules! Who I have to pass it on to! 

  

Allie from My Own Little World 

Anne from My Life in Navy Blue 

Erika from Chambanachik

Nicole from Marine Wife Unplugged

Pictures!

So a lot has happened in the last few days! First off, my mom decided to snap a couple of pictures of me because I was just "super cute" that day. I posted some of the pictures on Sailorman's facebook page, and he said not only did I look absolute gorgeous (blush) but he could tell that I've lost weight! Yay to that one! This is one that I didn't even know my mom had snapped.

And this is me trying to poutface him. Apparently it doesn't count, because I didn't have enough eyeliner on to make my eyes appear "large and doe-like" yep.....he told me how to put on my eye makeup. My fiance.....I think I talk about makeup too much with him lol. That or the SF in me is influencing him a bit more than I thought!

I also went shopping for cleaning supplies at Target, and of course, decided to swing into the shirt section. Lo and behold, I found this! I thought it was awesome and HAD to have it.

Last but not least, Sailorman scored major mommy points today. As you all know by now, Sunday is Mother's day. Without me prompting, asking, and honestly it never even occurred to me, he ordered her flowers!

Along with this beautiful card.

Oh yeah, he's a sweetheart.

It's That Time Again! Linkup With Goodnight Moon!

 It's that time again! The awesome Amber over at Goodnight Moon is hosting her weekly link up. You should totally head on over and link up with her :)

So this song is near and dear to my heart. This is the song that Sailorman chose to be OURS. I had never heard it before, but honestly that's not a big deal seeing as how I tend to stay in a music groove for a long time until I'm introduced to something new. I youtubed this song when he mentioned it and tears started running down my face. We had only been dating for roughly a week, had only had two weekends together, and he was already in Kansas City, MO with his family for a month before heading out to Virginia Beach where his next duty station was going to be. I honestly has my doubts that this relationship was going to work, and to realize that he felt this deeply for me so soon into our relationship.....I was stunned. Honestly, I think that this was the moment I really started to think that we might have a shot at a serious relationship. I guess my instincts were right :)

Just One of the Many Reasons I Love This Man

Sailorman is an amazing man. Today, there was a bit of a dispute over Americans being too "patriotic" yeah I know, gasp! on one of my statuses. This woman made quite a few annoying remarks, and then said something to the effect of "no one should have killed bin Laden, it's not our place to judge. Nor should anyone be rejoicing in the death of another human being." By this point I was really annoyed by her, and chose not to respond anymore. Sailorman however, had different ideas. This is what he wrote back:

of course, everyone could be socialists and afraid to stand up for what's right. The man attacked and his subordinates attacked us, and now we've won that fight. Did Germany not celebrate Hitler's death? Did Italy not practically riot when ...Mussolini was killed? Did Iraqi's not dance in the street when Saddam Hussein was hanged for all of his crimes? I for one am a proud American of German descent, and no one prays for peace more than the people that will have to fight if peace cannot be achieved through any means but war, but sometimes, war is the answer. In the case of Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda, and the Taliban who where sheltering him, war was the answer. And while we may not be in a state of war where our troops are actively fighting, we will continue to hunt the remnants of Al Qaeda, and all of their proxies, for as long as it takes to eradicate them all, and have them answer for the crimes they commit against innocent people, most of whom are Muslims themselves.

 

I love that man. He knows how to put into words things that I'm too mad to think clearly. 

Pillow Talk: Veggie Edition

Sailorman was able to call yesterday and we talked for two whole hours! Yay! This is one very happy girl right here! Of course, by deployment law I ended up missing him while he was on facebook chat, due to me not being at my computer, and my phone refusing to pull up chat. Sigh, let's just save the whinefest lol. I did all the whining I could on facebook already :)

On to our conversations. Yes, I think we're absolute adorable, and a lot alike. This has major pros and cons. Pro, we get each other completely. Con, we a lot a like, which means we very easily can go off on tangents and have no idea how we got there. To make matters worse, we tend to forget the original topic and go on and on and on about the tangent.

Case in point, we talked about vegetables for about 40 mins yesterday. Yeah.....veggies. Not that it's a bad topic to talk about, but I honestly have no idea whatsoever how on earth we got there. We discussed which ones we liked, which ones we didn't, and then called the other weird when we disagreed about which veggies were good or bad. Yeah....this is how we spent a great deal of our precious phone time.

What can I say? We're both dorks. All I can say is "Thank God we found each other" lol.