I hate the ups and downs I get. This isn't normal deployment moodiness, or relationship mourning. It's....well, it's both combined tossed in with the confusion that is not actually breaking up, but also not really doing anything (at least on my part) that would equal being in a relationship. I don't say I love you, I don't call him by any endearments, and I don't say I miss you. Or make plans for the future. I'm just sort of, existing in this messed up broken relationship.
Not to mention I'm mad as hell. Today I had a fit. It was bad. I just don't understand, and I REALLY want to understand why he ruined the life we were building together for someone who meant NOTHING to him. Why would anyone throw EVERYTHING away for nothing? The day after I found out the specifics was the day that I was supposed to buy my wedding band. Talk about a cliche.
I wish this could be resolved, one way or the other. I wish I knew what I wanted, besides not wanting to feel as though I've been blasted by a shotgun. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way and it's only been a week. As much as I'm praying for guidance all God is telling me is to wait. That's it. There is no other direction. It's not wait patiently, angrily, or frustratedly. There is no direction one way or the other from God what I'm supposed to do here. Have I mentioned that this SUCKS? I'm feeling very "from the depths of my soul I cry out to you" and all I'm getting in return is wait.
Maybe I'm not as patient as I thought I was. I'm not patient when my emotions are running high. Speaking of emotions, I have yet to get a stress migraine. That's the good news. The bad? I'm eating too much junk and shopping. The eating is bad for me, luckily I have a joint account with Sailorman and no, I haven't been abusing that, but I have been using that card for my retail therapy. I figure since he's the one that is making me shop he should pay for it. That's petty, I recognize this, but I'm sure by now you're getting the fact that I'm pissed off.
I wonder if any of my reasons have ever been in this situation before. If so, can you give me some coping techniques? Please?
Just a girl who accidentally fell in love with a United States Sailor, who I call Sailorman. This blog is here to help me sort out the ups and downs that are our relationship, random thoughts, and connecting to other milspouses.
Welcome to my mind.
Sailorman is, for the most part, an absolute sweetheart. He's my knight in shining armor who is always there to save me from myself. He doesn't fully approve of blogs, so out of respect for him, as well as for security reasons his picture and name won't come up. However, he will be a star player, because well, he's a huge part of my life. I love his crazy dorky personality and I'm so excited to be his future wife!
