Conversations

When you have pretty much based your entire relationship on conversations, relying on words to communicate what most (normal) couples are able to convey in looks and caresses....well you learn that words hold way more power than you thought they did. I never thought that I would be one of those girlfriends who needed to be reassured constantly of the fact that she was loved. To a degree I'm not, at least I don't think so (if you do please don't spoil my illusions!) but, lately I've noticed that I've been needing that extra reassurance. I don't know if the distance is all of a sudden really getting to me, or if the loop my Sailor decided to throw me into has got me thinking of all that I could have if I just said yes to moving in with him. It could be remnants of that nasty emotional business we went through in July, but....if I don't hear how much he loves me, or how wonderful he thinks I am, I feel....unloved. I absolutely hate that about myself. I pride myself on not needing to hear words of validation from others. That I was always able to be the one who did that for myself. Let's just say that the ugly duckling stage that was.....oh about ten years give or take took it's toll and has me hesitant to believe it when people tell me that I'm beautiful. I know that my boyfriend loves me. I know that he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. I love him more for the fact that he seems to have picked up on me needing to hear this more often and has obliged without me having to say anything about it. If anything, if I asked him, he'd probably just tell me to shut up, that I should know by now that he thinks I'm beautiful and he enjoys telling me that regularly. Whatever happened to make this switch in him I thank God for everyday. My conversations with him are growing deeper and richer everyday. Even if they are 60% quoting Charlie the Unicorn, The Big Bang Theory, and House. I just got off the phone with him, and if you couldn't tell.....we had an amazing conversation.

Surprises and Secrets

I don't like them. Probably because I'm so horrible at keeping secrets. It really doesn't help that my Sailor has actually been to school to keep secrets and getting them out of people. This usually involves me telling him his surprises and him just giving me annoyingly vague hints about my surprises. Yes this is all leading up to something.

October 1st is our one year anniversary! and we've been discussing the presents. Apparently I'm going to be getting 2-3 parts! This is getting exciting, because when he does get me presents, they're pretty frickin awesome! Whereas I.....suck at presents. So ladies, if you can take some time to comment and give me some ideas, that would be so absolutely amazing :)

Little Update

My last post had some pretty big news, and after thinking about it a lot, talking a bunch of different people, though unfortunately not my bestie seeing as how she's in Europe right now and I can't talk to her :( that I'm not going to be moving out there around January. Its just too soon, moving way too fast, and I don't think that it's a very good idea right now. I told my Sailor that, and he told me that while its not like he's not disappointed, he's going to go with whatever I say. It's really nice the changes that have happened in the last three weeks. He's letting me set the pace of our relationship, and he's supporting every decision I make. He knows I love him, and this isn't because I dont want to live with him, but....I just don't think that me moving in with him three months before his deployment is going to be good for me, and ultimately for us. Instead, my counter-offer was this: I stay here, transfer to a university, go there for winter, spring, and summer quarters then take next fall off and spend as much time as possible for when he comes home. Who knows? Maybe by then we can start talking about getting engaged, or even marriage by this time as one of our options. I feel kind of proud of myself for this decision, because as hard as it was to say no, I know that it's the right one to make right now for the both of us.

Bad Blogger....and Big News

Is me. Like I've said before, when things are going good I don't want to jinx it by saying how good they're going. While a few days ago I had a very interesting....and kind of confusing conversation with the boyfriend last night, after talking it out, thinking a lot about it, and then then talking about it with my ex who's actually kind of become a really good friend lately.

While I'm not going to spend this post talking about Michael, my ex, I will say this about him: he sucked as a boyfriend, and there are times when he's the flakiest friend I have. However, he's the one that I feel the most comfortable talking openly and honestly about my relationship. I guess it's because I don't feel the need to put the Sailor in a positive light for Michael. Not to say that I paint him in a negative light, but there is so need to airbrush my Sailor's rough streaks. Michael knows how happy I am with my boyfriend. He acknowledges that he is the better man for me. When the Sailor broke up with me (the first time) it was Michael that I cried to. He's the one that gave me the words of encouragement to be able to see that there was a light at the end of tunnel, but that the end of the tunnel didn't mean the end of my relationship. He gave me hope when I thought I didn't have anymore, and for that, I'll always be grateful to him.

Moving on, tonight, as my Sailor was calling me to say goodnight, and talk a little bit before he fell asleep early because he's going to cover a watch shift, he out of the blue mentions that maybe we can move up the time that I move out there to be with him. Now before I get into that (yeah I know, I suck at storytelling) let me say something else. A couple of days ago, I was talking to a really good friend of mine, Brooke. Brooke is a Navy Fiancee, and a really sweet, kick-ass girl that I'm glad I have in my corner. Brooke and I had a LONG conversation, and by long I mean upwards of four hours. During this conversation I came to the conclusion that I want to finish getting my degree already. After this semester, I want to transfer to a university and just apply myself until I graduate. To be completely honest, at this point in my life, it's not a feeling of if I don't do it now I won't ever do it. I know that I will get a degree, even if I don't do it right now. The way I work is to be able to work at my own pace. This drives my mom nuts. My mom has always been a "let's rush to finish this so we can move on to the next thing" kind of person. I've always been a "let me take my life, do it right and savor it" kind of person. To say that I drive her crazy would be an understatement.

Lately, she's been riding me hard about school. It's gotten to the point where we can't have a conversation about anything without it somehow coming back to school. So in actuality, the degree thing is more about her. I think that my shit would be a lot more put together if I could just get out of here. There's just the question right now of the empty bank account that I have. It makes the most sense to just stay here, go to community one more semester to be able to have enough credits to transfer and do it already. My one concern out of this was: would the Sailor be willing to wait the two or so years it would take for this to happen? When I brought a lot of these points up to him, I point blank asked him if he would be able to deal. If you can remember, one of his points for wanting to break up (the second time) was that he couldn't deal with the thought of having to wait 13 months until I moved out there. So.....I asked. Can you deal with this? Can you wait?

He said yes. He said that while he wasn't too thrilled with the idea, he's now realized how much he does love me, and that we are worth waiting for, everything a girl wants to hear right? It took him 10 months so say, but who's counting?

Back to the whole moving me out there sooner deal. Now that we've agreed that me going to school, getting my degree, and all that jazz is the plan. He's going on and on and on about how much it's going to suck. How much he misses being around me. How much he wants us to start our life together. Why is it that when I say that he freaks, pulls back, and puts me through hell for 3 months.....but when I decide my plan, moving on, something that doesn't revolve around him, he freaks in another way? His re-enlistment is going to be happening in Nov. I'm going out there in Dec. and it looks like his bonus is going to be a good chunk of change. He offered to use some of that money to get me moved out there and an apartment or townhouse for us. I should be thrilled.

Instead, I'm just wondering when he's going to pull the plug. I'm afraid to dream of our future. I'm afraid to even think about it. Why? Because in my heart of hearts, I don't think that he's ready. He loves the idea of me full time, but I know that I am....a handful to say the least. I don't know if I can handle moving away from my entire life, without any promises. I'm not making an ultimatum, but honestly, do you think it's wise to move across the country for a boyfriend who can't bring himself to even say he wants to be with me forever? He says he wants to be with me for a "good long while" what does that mean? I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I want the fairy tale that so many of my bloggy friends seem to have. I want the promises of everlasting love. I know that they can't be a guarantee, but the fact that someone is willing to promise means something. Tomorrow we'll probably talk about this some more. He couldn't really defend himself, or state his case because he needs to get up.....actually right around nowish lol. I guess tomorrow I'll be a little closer to figuring this out. I just don't really understand why is it that as soon as something is going really good he does something like this that completely throws me into a loop.