Is me. Like I've said before, when things are going good I don't want to jinx it by saying how good they're going. While a few days ago I had a very interesting....and kind of confusing conversation with the boyfriend last night, after talking it out, thinking a lot about it, and then then talking about it with my ex who's actually kind of become a really good friend lately.
While I'm not going to spend this post talking about Michael, my ex, I will say this about him: he sucked as a boyfriend, and there are times when he's the flakiest friend I have. However, he's the one that I feel the most comfortable talking openly and honestly about my relationship. I guess it's because I don't feel the need to put the Sailor in a positive light for Michael. Not to say that I paint him in a negative light, but there is so need to airbrush my Sailor's rough streaks. Michael knows how happy I am with my boyfriend. He acknowledges that he is the better man for me. When the Sailor broke up with me (the first time) it was Michael that I cried to. He's the one that gave me the words of encouragement to be able to see that there was a light at the end of tunnel, but that the end of the tunnel didn't mean the end of my relationship. He gave me hope when I thought I didn't have anymore, and for that, I'll always be grateful to him.
Moving on, tonight, as my Sailor was calling me to say goodnight, and talk a little bit before he fell asleep early because he's going to cover a watch shift, he out of the blue mentions that maybe we can move up the time that I move out there to be with him. Now before I get into that (yeah I know, I suck at storytelling) let me say something else. A couple of days ago, I was talking to a really good friend of mine, Brooke. Brooke is a Navy Fiancee, and a really sweet, kick-ass girl that I'm glad I have in my corner. Brooke and I had a LONG conversation, and by long I mean upwards of four hours. During this conversation I came to the conclusion that I want to finish getting my degree already. After this semester, I want to transfer to a university and just apply myself until I graduate. To be completely honest, at this point in my life, it's not a feeling of if I don't do it now I won't ever do it. I know that I will get a degree, even if I don't do it right now. The way I work is to be able to work at my own pace. This drives my mom nuts. My mom has always been a "let's rush to finish this so we can move on to the next thing" kind of person. I've always been a "let me take my life, do it right and savor it" kind of person. To say that I drive her crazy would be an understatement.
Lately, she's been riding me hard about school. It's gotten to the point where we can't have a conversation about anything without it somehow coming back to school. So in actuality, the degree thing is more about her. I think that my shit would be a lot more put together if I could just get out of here. There's just the question right now of the empty bank account that I have. It makes the most sense to just stay here, go to community one more semester to be able to have enough credits to transfer and do it already. My one concern out of this was: would the Sailor be willing to wait the two or so years it would take for this to happen? When I brought a lot of these points up to him, I point blank asked him if he would be able to deal. If you can remember, one of his points for wanting to break up (the second time) was that he couldn't deal with the thought of having to wait 13 months until I moved out there. So.....I asked. Can you deal with this? Can you wait?
He said yes. He said that while he wasn't too thrilled with the idea, he's now realized how much he does love me, and that we are worth waiting for, everything a girl wants to hear right? It took him 10 months so say, but who's counting?
Back to the whole moving me out there sooner deal. Now that we've agreed that me going to school, getting my degree, and all that jazz is the plan. He's going on and on and on about how much it's going to suck. How much he misses being around me. How much he wants us to start our life together. Why is it that when I say that he freaks, pulls back, and puts me through hell for 3 months.....but when I decide my plan, moving on, something that doesn't revolve around him, he freaks in another way? His re-enlistment is going to be happening in Nov. I'm going out there in Dec. and it looks like his bonus is going to be a good chunk of change. He offered to use some of that money to get me moved out there and an apartment or townhouse for us. I should be thrilled.
Instead, I'm just wondering when he's going to pull the plug. I'm afraid to dream of our future. I'm afraid to even think about it. Why? Because in my heart of hearts, I don't think that he's ready. He loves the idea of me full time, but I know that I am....a handful to say the least. I don't know if I can handle moving away from my entire life, without any promises. I'm not making an ultimatum, but honestly, do you think it's wise to move across the country for a boyfriend who can't bring himself to even say he wants to be with me forever? He says he wants to be with me for a "good long while" what does that mean? I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I want the fairy tale that so many of my bloggy friends seem to have. I want the promises of everlasting love. I know that they can't be a guarantee, but the fact that someone is willing to promise means something. Tomorrow we'll probably talk about this some more. He couldn't really defend himself, or state his case because he needs to get up.....actually right around nowish lol. I guess tomorrow I'll be a little closer to figuring this out. I just don't really understand why is it that as soon as something is going really good he does something like this that completely throws me into a loop.
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