Big Sigh, With a Little Eye Roll Thrown In

This is going to be a bit of a rant. Also, knowing me, it may or may not be long......it probably will because I like to talk. I came across this blog post this morning http://sailorsotherhalf.blogspot.com/2011/03/military-wives-please-read.html which just got me......annoyed. This isn't the first time I've come across this sort of an attitude towards this infamous list. Please don't get me wrong. I am a firm believer that everyone should be able to have their own opinions about whatever they want.

However: when those opinions involve calling out and bashing others, I tend to roll my eyes a little bit. Everyone deals with deployment differently, and from what I can gather, the writer of this blog has yet to experience a deployment with her sailor. Deployment is hard. There really is no other way to describe it. Yes there are different coping skills you can learn. Yes you can survive, thrive, and become an incredibly independent and even more amazing person than you already were.

You can also find lists like one Things You Never Say to a Military Spouse that can help articulate what it is that you feel when you get bombarded with question after question about your SO's deployment. I know from my experiences everyone I know wants to talk about deployment, and for the most part, I like to pretend it's not existing right now. I have been asked many of the questions on that list, because I'm from SF, and this is in no way a military town. I answer them all with a smile, a polite response, and I keep the snark to a minimum. Why? Because I know they mean well. I also sometimes give them a "you dumbass" look whenever they ask me a question that they should know just by watching the news.

I'm not usually one to blog about something that I've seen on someone else's blog. However, for me, the thought that someone is out there bashing a post that she has no idea what the author was thinking or feeling at the time......it kind of makes my blood boil. A lot of things that are written in jest don't come out that way in print. This could be one of those times, and instead of taking it that way, this person has written a rant post about how horrible and elitist this wife is.

The last thing I'm going to say is please please please think before you speak. Please try and look at it from someone else's point of view. Please realize that not everything blogged about is to be taken seriously. And please realize that this has been circulating around facebook for quite some time now.

One Hundred

Today makes my hundredth post! Whoo hoo! Who would have thought that something I made on a whim a little over a year ago would have kept my attention for this long??? Yay me :) Oh and for my followers who aren't following Mandy over at My Sometimes Crazy Life should, and not just because she let me Guest Blog for her! Another yay for me! Wow, today is just full of yays!!! I love yays! Not to mention I love the new followers I've gotten from the lovely lovely Mandy. Welcome to the craziness!

Now that I have some new followers, I'm thinking I should introduce myself.

Hi there, I'm J. I like reading, baking, and watching tv shows. However, I hate watching tv shows when they air on tv because commercials drive me crazy. Especially nowadays when commercials are like every five minutes. Ok, I'm done ranting about commercials. In case you hadn't noticed, I have a little bit of verbal ADD, who is able to hold 5 conversations at once and love each one.

Let's see what other weird random things I can think about me. There are quite a bit. I'm random and quirky, my fiance Sailorman calls me weird and picky. I prefer to think of myself and unique and amazing, but you know, that's just me. Oh, that's kind of a biggie right there: I have an amazing fiance who is currently deployed, which bites the big one, but I'm slowly dealing. Sailorman is, rather obviously, a Sailor, and a Secret Squirrel. Use your imagination with that one because while my guess is probably going to be better than yours, I don't know what he does for sure. Let's just keep it that way right?

I can't wait for this deployment to be over, because the end of this deployment means that we're finally going to be moving in together! Yay! (look at that, another yay) So living together, then going to the courthouse and getting married. That just sounds so awesome. During this deployment I'm also planning our reception/wedding deal. Not to be confused with our courthouse getting legal deal. Our reception is the whole nine yards complete with me in what is bound to be an itchy cupcake dress. Can you tell I'm really not excited by this? My bestie D on the other hand is just a little too excited by this....she actually made me read like 7 wedding books at Borders yesterday. Feel sorry for me please!

Ok, now I can feel myself babbling like crazy, so I'm gonna end it now. Thanks for reading and following! Now don't forget to comment :)

Time to Put on the Cheerful Face

So, I know that since Sailorman has deployed I've been.....well, let's just say manic. I do tend to hit the depressed button when I'm stressed. It's pretty much my default when things are getting a bit too hard for my tastes. Now, life isn't feeling so hard. That might be because PMS is over and now it's just searing agony I have to deal with TMI? If so I'm sorry lol. On to funny stuff. Ever since this happened I knew that I wanted to blog about it.

As to why I haven't yet: I was super sad and worried because I hadn't heard from Sailorman, whether or not he made it to his destination alright. (He did just in case you're wondering.) Then I was just sad because well, he had deployed and I wasn't talking to him every night like I have for more or less the last 17 months. Then we had a huge fight, which neither or us was expecting, not to mention we're still learning HOW to fight during deployment. A lot of new stuff happening!

Ok for reals this time, the story! Setting: night before Sailorman is supposed to leave. I've got all my stuff packed because I was planning on sleeping over at a friend's house. (Sailorman's roommate is an absolute douchebag and I hate him. I can now say that with certainty. However, another story for another blogpost. Not to mention it's not funny and I want this to be a funny post.) Sailorman and I have packed all his stuff. All of his underwear is packed, remember this for the future, though I'm sure many of you are getting where this is going. He's due to leave at noon, so we can stay up a bit more and just hang out. We decided to get a pizza and rent a movie. So Sailorman put in the order on his phone, we go to 7/11, have browsed the movies and have finally agreed on one. Then we discover: both of us forgot our wallets. Oops.

So we go back the apartment, Sailorman starts freaking out because he doesn't think that he has enough time to drive back and still be there for the pizza guy. Finally I just kind of go "babe, I do know how to drive you know" very reluctantly I'm given the precious keys to the Yukon and off I go, with my purse. I buy us some soda and a king size KitKat even though all Sailorman asked for was the soda. Why? Because Sailorman has this awful habit of stealing my KitKats. Now whenever I'm with him I just buy  king size and we both get our fix. I rent the movie Grown Up. If you haven't seen it you totally should! It was awesome, we both laughed really really hard. All in all, it was a pretty perfect last night. We fell asleep in each others arms.

That morning, we woke up around 8ish and Sailorman jumped in the shower. Once he got out and was looking around, he realized he had packed all his boxers. He was just about ready to start digging into his pelican case when I found a fresh pair over by the tv (don't ask, I have no idea why I left a single pair of boxers there) and handed them over. Crisis averted! I jump in the shower, I get pretty because I want him to have a pretty last mental image of me. We leave insanely earlier because for some weird reason he HAS to be 45 mins early to everything. It's weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I'm the one who's stuck really bored and really early to stuff.

We get on base, we're in the parking lot, and we're just talking about the weirdest stuff, making plans, mocking other people's trucks and whatnot. Trying to figure out which car I'm going to be getting probably around this time next year. 11:40 rolls around and Sailorman decided to give the guy who's supposed to give him the ride a call to see where we're supposed to be to transfer all the stuff. The guy picks up, Sailorman says hey man so I'm here, what time do you want to leave? The dude goes "wait, who is this?" Sailorman and I just look at each other then Sailorman says "it's Sailorman, you're supposed to be driving me today." The dude goes "ummm...." then you hear in the background "who is that" Dude: "it's Sailorman, he says he's leaving today but I thought he was leaving tomorrow" Head dude: " Who Sailorman? Nuh uh! He's leaving the day after that!" Very swiftly we hear Dude say "hey man, let me call you back" click. Sailorman and I just looked at each other, speechless. Me slowly shaking my head, finally I say: are you effing serious?!

Sailorman just started laughing and said, well babe, let's just wait until he calls back. Then you can have your freakout. That man knows me pretty well huh? About 5 mins later we get a phone call from Dude. Dude says "hey Sailorman listen, you're not leaving until tomorrow at 11." Sailorman goes, "oh ok well see you then I guess" and we leave the base. While driving, we both start laughing, because really? What else is there to do when something like this happens? We ended up going to Walmart to guy Sailorman some new boxers, ate some left overs, and watched about 3/4 of the sixth Harry Potter movie.

We ended up with two last nights, the second was rather anti-climatic if you ask me. Not to mention later on that night Dude called a second time to say that they were leaving at 7am instead of 11. Ugh. So, I didn't get to shower, or put on makeup. I had my glasses on, and was generally in a grumpy mood due to serious lack of caffeine. We said our goodbyes. They were dry. I drove back to the apartment and called a cab for the airport later on that afternoon. I spent about an hour or so repacking all my stuff and watching tv. I then flew home, and got into a pretty big funk which lasted quite a while now.

Let's hope that it'll be a while before my next one, but what I'm learning about deployment is to expect the unexpected. Don't keep your hopes up for much, and try your best to maintain as much of a positive attitude as you can. Oh, and when none of those work, have a huge fight, clear the air, and have your SO apologize for being a complete jerk, mainly due to being around boys 24/7.

It's a new chapter in both of our lives, our first deployment. I think I'm going to try my best to blog more about it. Until next time!

I Think I'm done

I'm tired. I've  been tired. Sometimes I think that my expectations are too big. Sailorman doesn't seem to understand me a lot of the time. He's stubborn, and quite frankly, lately a jerk. I realize that I'm going to come off as a bitch for saying all of these things about him while he's on deployment. However, I truly feel as though this isn't deployment talking, this is just him being a jerk and I'm tired of it. I wish that there was a way to type out all that I'm feeling, but honestly, I don't think that there's a way to do it without it being way too long. Not to mention that there's a great need for back story, because I forgot to blog about it when it happened. Sigh...maybe I should wait until I've calmed down to try and talk about this. 

Avoidance

It's an ugly word, avoidance. I've been doing it ever since Sailorman left. I've avoided any and all feeling about his deployment. It's hard thing to realize that I CANNOT text him when something pops into my head and have him respond later. It's also really hard to realize that I am NOT going to hear his voice every evening before he goes to sleep. So what have I been doing? I've been avoiding thinking about it.

I've attempted to do everything and anything to make myself NOT THINK. Those who know me know that I think......all the time. My brain never stops. That also means my imagination is always in overdrive. Not hearing from Sailorman also means that my brain automatically starts playing out the worse case scenarios. All of this happens while the rational side of my brain is screaming at me that "no news is good news to please please PLEASE just stop already because the stomach is in knots and complaining to not end!" Guess which part I listen to? Yeah, not the rational side.

I've avoided blogging. I've avoided my feelings, something that I had to learn at the age of 16 NOT to do because otherwise I raise my blood pressure, and that causes me to have a migraine. I'm pretty sure one is brewing, I'm just avoiding the acknowledgment of it. If you haven't gotten the drift by now, I'm avoiding life.

I've been avoiding my friends, so many good friends who have reached out and tried to ask me how I've been. I don't think I would have avoided them so much if it hadn't been for the fact that quite a few of them in their "comfort" decided to tell me that I was "lucky that Sailorman was ONLY going to be gone for X amount of months, therefore I shouldn't be too concerned." I was also told that "he wasn't going to be where there was any direct action, so I shouldn't worry at all, others have it so much harder." Ummmm, I'm sorry, but what happened to supporting the person whose fiance just deployed? Another one that is really getting on my nerves is "it's going to go by fast" I'm sorry, but when you're used to talking to someone every single day, for long phone calls and texts all throughout the day, X amount of months with very limited contact is, at least at the very beginning of this, IMPOSSIBLE. I'm hanging on by a thread right now, in a complete tailspin and being told that I need to keep busy and soon it's all going to fly by just isn't what I need. Give me pretend normalcy any day of the week over this!

This isn't a very happy post, but to be honest, I'm not very happy right now. I miss my love. Right now I'd give anything to be able to talk to him, but I have to realize that that's just not in the cards for me right now. I hope that this does get easier over time.

My First Phone Call

Sailorman called! YAY!!!!! I'm both crying and smiling because of that wonderful silly man. I miss him so much. I've been in a pretty horrible funk for the last few days, I think because I've really missed our nightly phone calls. Well, since he's now 11 hours ahead of me, I got my nighttime phone call. It was awesome and that's all I'm gonna say. I hope everyone else is having an awesome Saturday night. I know mine got quite a bit better!

Goodbye For Now.

I know I haven't been around lately, a lot has happened since the last time I posted. I don't know if I'm able to get in all of it now, there's a lot I have to fill you all in about! I just think it's going to take a while for me to be able to form it in my very witty funny style (if I do say so myself) I just think that the only thing that's truly important right now is Sailorman's gone.

I dropped him off, he's gotten on his plane and he's on more than halfway to his destination. I don't know when my next phone call is going to be. My last one was when I was in San Diego last night, and we could only talk for about 20 mins before I had to leave for San Francisco. I missed saying goodbye goodbye by 10 mins once I landed. We talked as though we were alone, not as though we were in an airport and airplane, surrounded by strangers who were obviously listening to some of what we were saying. It was a public setting for what should have been a very private goodbye. It's hard, but I'm still numb. I think once the numbness wears off I'll be a wreck for awhile.

Then I'll do what I always do: I'll suck it up, deal, and get through until I can start to imagine the light at the end of the tunnel. Will there be dark days? Of course. Every MilSO knows that. Will there be times that I hate everything aspect of this deployment? Again, of course. Will I also be insanely proud, not only of him, but of myself? Yes. I will be proud that my fiance has volunteered to do what so many couldn't, or wouldn't do. I will be proud of myself for supporting him and being the one who waits. I will be proud that I am doing what so few of us can do. Wait and keep home safe for my man.

There will be, and already has been, drama. His dad and his wife have already started that. I'll get into it at another time. My first instinct was to get on the phone and text Sailorman and cry on his shoulder, figuratively speaking, when I saw what his dad had decided to write on fb. Instead, I defended myself and am just going to leave it at that. Today isn't a day I want to fight, however, it also isn't a day that I feel I can take anything laying down. I think this deployment is going to show me a strength I didn't know I had. I almost can't wait for that.