Avoidance

It's an ugly word, avoidance. I've been doing it ever since Sailorman left. I've avoided any and all feeling about his deployment. It's hard thing to realize that I CANNOT text him when something pops into my head and have him respond later. It's also really hard to realize that I am NOT going to hear his voice every evening before he goes to sleep. So what have I been doing? I've been avoiding thinking about it.

I've attempted to do everything and anything to make myself NOT THINK. Those who know me know that I think......all the time. My brain never stops. That also means my imagination is always in overdrive. Not hearing from Sailorman also means that my brain automatically starts playing out the worse case scenarios. All of this happens while the rational side of my brain is screaming at me that "no news is good news to please please PLEASE just stop already because the stomach is in knots and complaining to not end!" Guess which part I listen to? Yeah, not the rational side.

I've avoided blogging. I've avoided my feelings, something that I had to learn at the age of 16 NOT to do because otherwise I raise my blood pressure, and that causes me to have a migraine. I'm pretty sure one is brewing, I'm just avoiding the acknowledgment of it. If you haven't gotten the drift by now, I'm avoiding life.

I've been avoiding my friends, so many good friends who have reached out and tried to ask me how I've been. I don't think I would have avoided them so much if it hadn't been for the fact that quite a few of them in their "comfort" decided to tell me that I was "lucky that Sailorman was ONLY going to be gone for X amount of months, therefore I shouldn't be too concerned." I was also told that "he wasn't going to be where there was any direct action, so I shouldn't worry at all, others have it so much harder." Ummmm, I'm sorry, but what happened to supporting the person whose fiance just deployed? Another one that is really getting on my nerves is "it's going to go by fast" I'm sorry, but when you're used to talking to someone every single day, for long phone calls and texts all throughout the day, X amount of months with very limited contact is, at least at the very beginning of this, IMPOSSIBLE. I'm hanging on by a thread right now, in a complete tailspin and being told that I need to keep busy and soon it's all going to fly by just isn't what I need. Give me pretend normalcy any day of the week over this!

This isn't a very happy post, but to be honest, I'm not very happy right now. I miss my love. Right now I'd give anything to be able to talk to him, but I have to realize that that's just not in the cards for me right now. I hope that this does get easier over time.