Figuring Out Blogging

I never know what to say, especially since I never really know if I'm talking to anyone.....and that's hard for me. I can talk until the Judgment Day in person. I pretty much never shut up.I think I just need practice. I was nervous when I first started writing letters to my sailor, because I thought that whatever I wrote would sound stupid, or scattered, or my words would just fall flat. I'm sure that my first letter was the weirdest sounding letter J ever received. I had decided to write in "stream of consciousness" pretty much because I didn't know what else to say. This was before the whole "I love you" stage of our relationship, and before I was halfway as into him as he was into me if I must be perfectly honest. So I wrote a bunch of nonsense down, because I figured that you have to include a letter when you send a package of cookies to your sailor.......and I shudder to think of what he thought while reading it.

Good news though on the whole letter writing thing. Apparently, I've gotten A LOT better at it! Yay me! I stopped writing every thought that came into my brain (and I have A LOT of thoughts) and started getting (sort of) structured when it came to writing letters to J. Last box I send him had two different letters, and the only thing he really said was that I had greatly improved and he could actually see a thought process. That made me laugh, and wish I could have rubbed his cheek and kissed him.

So in a roundabout way, what I'm saying is that with practice I'll get the hang of blogging. I'll try and think of it as a much more structured online diary that anyone can read.......which should mean as few names as possible to protect myself should any of my close friends read this......and figure out that I'm ranting about them in particular.

Though I feel I should confess that I've always been a terrible journal writer, pretty much only writing in it when I was extremely upset at something. This isn't really the case, more when the mood strikes I'll try and organized some sort of concise way of writing what I feel. It's kind of working, I'm proud of myself.

Life in real time

Right now, this very moment I hate my life. My boyfriend is in the Navy, and he's stationed in Virginia. I'm in San Francisco. That means that the whole freaking country is standing in our way. It's hard to describe how difficult that makes it. While I'm aware that other couples are going through, and have gone through a lot worse than that, as or right now I feel that my world is crashing.

Why? Because being right now I'm incredibly needy and it's 11pm my boyfriend's time. Plus he has to go to work tomorrow. I would feel horrible calling him to ask him to reassure me that he DOES still love me, even if I've just woken him up from his sleep to ask that question. The worse part about it is that he probably would still answer yes, of course I do, so can I go back to sleep and call you in the morning?

It also sucks being needy and not being able to verbalize that I'm feeling needy. I'm grateful that I'm in the position where I am able to talk to him, either by phone or by text everyday. I know that I'll miss that the most when he does get deployed. But I miss being with him. Even though I complain when I am with him that I'm desperate for alone time. I'm learning that life in the military is very stop and go. There is no yellow light. I miss the yellow light. However, this is the life that I want. I want him. And I think that he's worth all the crazy shit that follows in his wake.

Watching When Harry Met Sally today wasn't that great of an idea. There's this one quote from there that totally summed up how I feel: When you've met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want to start the rest of your life as soon as possible. Or something like that. I want to be married already. I'm a part of this Facebook group, full of Navy Wives, Fiancees, and Girlfriends. It seems to be mainly wives. Almost all of the "friends" I've made there have been wives. I want to be in their club. I want to be with him already. I want that stupid military ID that's bound to be a picture I can't stand and will have to show all the time. I want to move to Virginia away from my (kinda) crazy mother.

And yet I know that once I'm there, I'm going to miss California terribly. I'll miss In-N-Out. I'll miss Jamba Juice. I'll miss Liberals and Hippies. And my mom. And my friends. And everything else that is familiar. I might not really like it, but I know it.

That's why I decided to start this blog. It's for me more than anyone else. IF someone reads it, great, leave your comments and reassure that I'm not crazy.....or you could just confirm what everyone else tells me and be a sheep lol.