How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

The other shoe has dropped. I was waiting for it, so maybe I willed it to happen. I don't want to put that sort of pressure or power on myself, because well, it doesn't matter how difficult or annoying I might get, I sure as hell did not deserve this. You can use your imagination, it was fairly sordid was Sailorman did, though I suppose not as bad as it could've been. I wont go into details. Rare for me, because let's be honest, I'm not too well known for keeping my mouth shut. I talk. A lot. That also means I write a lot. I love that I now have 39 followers hopefully some of who actually read all the ramblings that go on here.

Back to my broken heart. I confronted Sailorman last night, after we had a minor argument where he made me feel incredibly guilty about something and I apologized. His internet cut out for about half an hour, and in that half an hour I discovered something. For the next ten to fifteen minutes I sat there. Horror, dread, revulsion making a not at all fun smoothie in my stomach.

I couldn't take it anymore. I shot off a message, hoping that he'd get it tonight and reply. He did, with his usual "you're being paranoid" that worked all too well in the past. This time, I wasn't going to back down. I kept at it. I used the skills that had I gone down a different path would have made me an amazing lawyer. If I hadn't been so sick, if I had been able to stay in class....my school path would have me starting my first year of grad school by now, on my way to law school eventually. I used those skills, and I hammered him down systematically.

The fact that I was in such a shocked state, even now, I marvel at how well I was able to get it out of him. There it was, the truth, out there for me to see. And my heart effectively broke. More than broke, a part of my heart died right then and there. It makes you wonder, is muscle death really permanent? Is there a possibility to be able to move on, to regain use of that portion of muscle again?

There is a small part of me, the part that is dying but not yet dead, and certainly hopes so. That there is a way to move past the anger, the betrayal, the shock, and the unshed tears.

He wants to make it right. My position is, it should've been right from the start. The trust is gone. Can you continue to love without trust? He has willingly given me his passwords to everything, he has said yes to everything I have said. And I said a lot that I know he doesn't like. I will always have access to his phone. I will be allowed to read every email, every fb message, and every little bit of chat left over.

Is that enough? I know he wants to make it right. I know he's sorry. The question is, is he sorry he did it or sorry he got caught? I don't know what to do. I guess for all intents and purposes we're separated right now. I'm keeping my relationship status the same, but that's more so I don't have to answer a bunch of really annoying questions from all of our mutual friends and respective family members. I don't know if  I SHOULD stay with him. I've prayed on it, I prayed about it when I first discovered it. I felt God telling me to say something. That now was the time to speak up. I also heard God telling me to wait, to continue to be there for Sailorman. I'm also fairly certain I heard God telling me to make him crawl on broken glass, and if he was willing to do so then he was worthy of me.

I know this is  both a depressing and rather scattered post. This is what my brain is right now. Things were going so well.....