Two Weeks

That's how long it's been since The Incident. In that time, and honestly it feels like a lot longer than two weeks, Sailorman has twisted himself into a pretzel to do what is right. I know that this is to be commended. I'm not mad anymore. That's a lie. I'm still mad. But, I'm also strangely getting to an "ok" place with it too. While this isn't what I wanted, I did want a change in our relationship. I don't think that what we had was healthy. Now looking back, and because retrospect is ALWAYS 20/20, I see how much I let slide, how much I left those little hurts fester until I was a brimming pool of bitterness, resentment, and anger. I look back and realize that for the longest time, and to be completely honest, I think it's been well over a year, I have been thoroughly and completely unhappy.

What a sad thing to realize. I thought I was happy when I was living it, but now I know. I wasn't I was existing. My life was completely all about Sailorman. My opinions were becoming his opinions. My thoughts his thoughts. I realized that I knew him better than I knew myself. That frightens me to a level I didn't know I was capable of being frightened.

Like my mother always says, "God has a plan for everything, even the bad things. You might not see the big picture, but He does. So trust Him."

Wise woman my mother.

I know now that God allowed The Incident to happen so that I could get a very big wake up call. Not only me, but Sailorman as well. I'm amazed by how much he has changed, and how much he willing to do now. These aren't just surface changes either. The changes that he is implementing go deep down to the core that his is very person. And no, I'm not "making" him do these changes, he's realized that he needs to change who he is in order to be the man that he wants to be. The man who in his words is worthy of "Honor, Courage, Commitment" not just to the Navy, but to me, to his family.

He's finally realizing that our relationship is more important than friendships he's had for years. This might sound like I'm being a complete dictator. I'm not, honest. The only thing that I'm doing is leading by example, and he's FINALLY being receptive to the standards that I hold myself to. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Neither is he. But the fact that he is willing to strive to be the kind of person who I want to be with gives me hope.

I know that I'm bound to have days of utter frustration and want to throw in the towel. But doing The Love Dare, seeing his effort....I think I'm finally getting to a place where my relationship gives me peace.  Something tells me this time it'll work out for the best. Why? Because for the first time since we've been together, we're putting God as our relationship base, not me. That means we have a bedrock foundation, and everyone knows that's the strongest foundation you can get.