The Storm

I don't really know where to begin. How do you blog "objectively" about something that you're in the middle of? I guess it's like describing a storm. You can only effectively describe what is in your field of vision. It's only until the storm is over and you can see the aftermath do you know how much damage there is. Not to mention you can see where you need to rebuild.

As of right now, the storm is still raging. My anger, my frustration, and my bafflement are still on in full force. I'm hurt, I'm upset, and I'm so incredibly sad. For the both of us. Sailorman is just a "boy" at the ripe old age of 23. I'm behind him by roughly two months. I know we're young, and still feel the violent emotions of the youth. That being said, what he has done is worse than what most people do in high school. At least in my opinion.

He is sorry. We have literally just ended an almost three hour conversation, not including the two hour chat conversation before that where we hashed out quite a bit from his transgressions. I'm not just talking about what he has done lately, but the stuff that he's done throughout our whole relationship. Things that I am just now starting to realize, and luckily enough for me (if you can try to find a silver lining in this huge mess) I have the opportunity to completely change our relationship.

I have always felt so passive in our relationship. A lot like those people who constantly complain about the government but never bother to vote. They just complain and raise little fusses, they however do not ever implement any real structural changes that will actually make the difference they hope for. I was like that. I'm not anymore. This whole thing has caused me to find a strength I didn't know I possessed. I'm proud of that.

I'm proud of how I've handled this. This is a major thing that is happening! I've told my mom, my best friend Dee, and my ex boyfriend who is one of my best male friends. Those three are the only who know what's going on with me right now. Those three have been nothing but supportive, encouraging, and surprisingly, not bitter or resentful towards Sailorman. Instead, they have offered good advice, told me that they'll stand behind me no matter what my choices are.

I think for right now we might be nearing the eye of the storm. I know that just means it's a calm before it picks back up. Hopefully during that calm we'll be able to get some progress done in laying in a new foundation. I've ordered The Love Dare for us to try. I guess I'll keep you all informed as the storm progresses.