Personally, I don't believe in organized religion. It's just not for me. I respect those that do, how can I not with my BFF so involved in her church? I go to church with her sometimes, because it's the only way I can actually see her during the summer. I know how to act during Bible study with her parents, participate when asked to, give insightful opinions that sometimes mask how I really feel about what we're talking about. It's exhausting sometimes. She knows how I feel, because we do our best not to keep secrets from each other. Her parents think that while I may not be as orthodox as they are, as she is, I'm still a good influence on her, I'm still a good SDA girl. I'm really not. I'm just really good at hiding behind my "SDA mask."
I think whats brought a lot of this on is the fact that my boyfriend is coming out for a visit in less than two weeks. Which is a huge yay! I'm excited. It feels like forever since I've seen him, though in reality I saw him in March. The fighting has drained both of us, and I hope that the time together will help heal all the wounds that might still be festering. I'm also worried. I'm worried to introduce him to my friends, to my family. Everyone is expecting us to get married soon, and I'm realizing that to me, "soon" is within the next few years. To him "soon" means within this year. The way we mark time is different. I'm slowly starting to understand that, and focus on what I need to get done. Knowing that I feel more at peace with where we are, but to have my family poking and prodding at us asking when we're going to be married might just bring up some of our old fights......and I REALLY don't want that anymore.
I'm also afraid to have him see my SDA mask. To see me trying to take the discussions seriously, and try not to laugh at his face, because I know that he's going to want to laugh at whatever we're talking about. I'm worried at how I'm going to explain that he smokes, and will probably want to smoke sometime when we're at church. I'm worried because he swears......well, like a sailor. If you haven't gotten the message by now, that is if you're still reading this, my friends are pretty orthodox. Most of them are still virgins, and I'm also worried that he's going to let something slip about the fact that we have sex. Especially in front of my BF's mom.......who is kinda scary. I'm worried about how they're going to interact, because I've told him a lot about her, and he's already decided he doesn't like her. While I love him, he's not exactly known for his acting skills. Let's just say that I have a lot of worries about this trip. The excitement is at war with my nerves at this point. Let's just hope excitement wins.
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