Raw Thoughts

I'm trying to do start anew. It's hard to let go of the past....the hurts, and little slights. It's easier to forgive than it is to forget. Something I truly do worry that I don't forget enough. I remember the tiniest details of things that would be far better laid to rest. Those details eat away at me. So many times I wish I could do it over, say it different. Maybe not let myself be that situation again.

This business of Sailorman buying a ring, the prospect of him asking the Big Question has be bring out all the slights of the past 14 months we've been dating. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all coming out to play. A lot of the bad and the ugly are on this blog. I doubt you've noticed, but I have deleted a few of the more raw posts. Why? It was my way, at the time, of saying let bygones be bygones. If only I could delete the memories from my head.

We've (he's) caused a lot of heartache. We've (he's) also caused a lot of joy. I won't say from the moment I met him I knew that I wanted to marry him, because that's not true. The way we started was (for me) supposed to be a casual get together. I didn't want serious. He didn't want serious. Somehow, when we became official, we were serious. We've been discussing marriage since day 10. Now that we're at the brink, I'm the one getting cold feet.

I've always been the rock in this relationship. He was the one (his words) who had his head up his ass for a good chunk of time. I was the one who was there, patiently waiting.....loyal to a fault. I don't know if I like that description to be completely honest. The more sure he gets, the more doubts I get. Once again, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He seems so incredibly sure that this is what he wants. I thought I did too, but....  It's hard to describe the emotions and thoughts that are coursing through my brain, making sleep next to impossible. Maybe trying to bleed some of this out here will help me sleep. Let's hope so.