I'm Not Selfish

Dear D,

This is a hard letter to write, and while I know that you do have access and know about this blog, I don't know if you actually read it. That all being said, here are some things that I want to say, but I know that if I actually say them, I'm going to have to deal with your boyfriend's attempts to "threaten" me again. I really don't want to deal with any more drama than I have to. Deployment is enough to handle without this petty, very stupid bullshit.

I never thought that we'd grow apart. Not the way we have lately. Throughout this entire thing with Sailorman, you have maybe three times asked me how I'm doing. Even then, you didn't listen for very long before you started the laundry list of transgressions your mother has heaped upon you lately.

I understand you have difficulties with your mother. I understand that is a HUGE part of your life. However, I do not think it selfish to need to focus on me for one conversation. The last five years have been about you and your needs. Even once a conversation about me would have been welcomed. A phone call to see how I'm doing would have stunned me to be honest.

I have literally had strangers, people who only know me through this anonymous blog, ask me how I'm doing more frequently than you. That hurts. More than I think you can fathom. I feel as though the part of my heart that carries true love and loyalty sprung a slow leak a while ago, and only now that the tire is flat am I realizing how long all has been slowly ebbing away.

Maybe this is part of growing up. Finding that you CAN'T always cling to your childhood. Realizing that there are going to be others who will take the place of the one person who you thought would be there for life. I honestly thought that no matter what happened to me, you would always be there. I know I planned to always be there for you.

However, you have shut me out, and I don't have the patience or the drive to try and barrel my way in. I have been through hell and back these last weeks, and maybe it is a test from God that this is all happening now that I feel as though I have found my footing with Sailorman. If that's the case, then so be it. I think I fail. I am wrung out.

I'm drained, I'm sad, and I don't know how to fix this. I love you. I'll always love you. However, your boyfriend has crossed a very big line with me, and according to you, you are a unit. That means you will ALWAYS be on his side. He won't say he's sorry, and you won't admonish him. You have backed his actions, and for that, I can't move past. Maybe I'm just formalizing it. Maybe this is the direction we were heading. But I will say this:

I am not selfish. I am not throwing away a five year friendship. One that feels as though it's been a lifetime. This is not a light decision, and I don't want it to be considered as such. This is a decision that has come from discussions with the two people who do truly matter the most to me, the people who I truly do believe will be with me, on my side, no matter what. This is a decision that has been made through prayer, and consultation with God.  I don't think I can be your best friend anymore. I can't be your shoulder to cry on, or your sounding board to vent to. I cannot be emotionally used, and then be given nothing back in response. I cannot be called selfish the day that I stand up for myself. Nor can I be threatened every time we have a fight.

I wish it could be different, but your boyfriend drew a very definite line in the sand, and you chose your side. I respect your decision, as much as it pains me to. I hope you have a happy life, with everything you've ever dreamed of. I wish you well.

All my love,

J