Nope, not me. Sailorman. Yup, we're barely off shaky ground and that boy is saying how he wishes we could have kids now. I think they're feeding the boys in Iraq crack. Hey I made a rhyme!
Yeah, I know that I want kids, truly I do. I also think that I'll make a rockin mom. Someday. Certainly not today. Today, I would make a sucky mom, because I'm far too selfish for my own good right now. If you ask me, that's what the early twenties are for: getting as much selfishness out of your system so that when you get older and have kids, you'll be able to be a hell of a lot more selfless. I don't want to resent my children, and I know that if I was to have a child now, I'd resent him or her.
Sounds harsh, and in a lot of ways it is. I prefer to think of it as being honest, and knowing very clearly why it is that I don't want children right now. I said all of the above to Sailorman, and he seemed truly disappointed by me not wanting to even entertain the idea. I'm sorry, but....just no. I can't even fantasize about babies right now. The thoughts freaks me out too much.
Sailorman's solution? To volunteer US to babysit his various buddy's kids. Ummm.....I'M not the one who needs to get a kid fix. Why do I have to take care of kids? Once again, I know, harsh. The thing is, I was ALWAYS the one who was stuck babysitting my cousins when I was younger and couldn't say no to my aunts. I've gotten my fill of kids. Probably over exposure at too young an age.
One thing that I told Sailorman was this: I want to be a family of two for four to five years. Then we can start trying for kids. I want to have finished studying something. I want to be able to experience real vacations together without dealing with A) crying kids on planes B) crying kids on long car rides C) crying kids in general or D) babysitters.
Once I have this all written down I'm realizing how much it looks like I hate kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. I do get those twinges of "awww baby!" when I see adorable little ones. Even crying, snotty ones sometimes melt my heart. Then I think, "do you really want to deal with that right now in this point in your life?" The answer is always no. I know myself really well, and me right now with a kid is just a BAD idea. I'm so much of a kid myself sometimes......I don't want to screw my kid(s) up anymore than necessary.
I want to be the best mother I can be. I know that means waiting until I'm older. I need to focus right now on being the best person I can be, the best woman I can be, and the best wife I can be. Once I get the foundation blocks for those down, I think I'll be a lot more comfortable being in charge of someone's life. I couldn't imagine being in charge of someone's world, other than my own, right now. Does that make me selfish? Or does that make me wise? I wish I knew the answer.
Sorry for the ramblings, it's currently 4:00 AM right now, and I can't sleep. I wonder if this even makes sense.....I guess I'll look it over once again later on this morning after a couple of hours of sleep lol.
Just a girl who accidentally fell in love with a United States Sailor, who I call Sailorman. This blog is here to help me sort out the ups and downs that are our relationship, random thoughts, and connecting to other milspouses.
Welcome to my mind.
Sailorman is, for the most part, an absolute sweetheart. He's my knight in shining armor who is always there to save me from myself. He doesn't fully approve of blogs, so out of respect for him, as well as for security reasons his picture and name won't come up. However, he will be a star player, because well, he's a huge part of my life. I love his crazy dorky personality and I'm so excited to be his future wife!
