Sailorman and I haven't exactly been the blissful couple that I wish we were. Actually, things between us have become tense and tenser the longer time goes by. I would've thought that an escalation in commitment would have brought us more together, closer, and made us realize just how much we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.
Oh how very wrong I was. How sweetly naive. It's adorable how cynical and jaded I'm becoming.
I feel like I've finally lost my Disney glow. That thing that made me....me. I literally have tears in my eyes as I type this. I used to believe in true love. The love that never ends, never dies, and is all consuming. Now I wonder: is that true? Does such a love really exist? No, Sailorman and I have no broken up, but I feel as though I'm in mourning of our relationship and don't know why. I feel like every little slight has built up into a mountain that is staring at me, and I don't know where to start the clean up.
I don't know what is wrong. I wish I did. That's not true, I do know what the catalyst of all of this was, but I'm not going to blog about it. There is such a thing as over sharing problems, even on an "anonymous" blog. I just don't know how to address this problem. I don't know how to fix something that he refuses to address. I don't know how to pull us out of this when I don't even have the strength to pull myself out. I feel stuck and I've lost the strength to try and go on. I'm not happy in no man's land, but with all the problems that we've had throughout our relationship, I don't have anymore fight in me. I don't know how to fight for us anymore. I don't know how to fight to keep us to just let us go.
Today I'm at the end of a very long rope. Today I've woken up to how Sailorman treats me. It's not that he doesn't love me, it's that he doesn't respect me. I'm the person that he knows is always going to be waiting for him. I'm the person that he knows will be there no matter what. Who will take the bad moods with the good, that will take the dismissals along with the attention. I'm the person who waits with my cellphone attached to my body on the off chance that he'll call or text. I answer immediately, he answers when he feels like it. When he calls I immediately go somewhere quiet so I can focus on him. He has no problem "talking" to me on the phone in a room full of people who he pays far more attention to than me. I'm sick of it. I'm tired. I am so incredibly tired to be the person who is ALWAYS there. The thing is, the couple of times that I've become a bit more assertive in that I need attention, he calls me needy and how tired he's getting of it.
I love Sailorman, more than I think I could ever put into words or actions. I love him in a way that surprises me sometimes. The question I have is: Is love really enough? Can you survive with everything other aspect of your relationship in chaos because you love them? Can love be the only reason to stay? Can love be the reason that pulls you through?
Just a girl who accidentally fell in love with a United States Sailor, who I call Sailorman. This blog is here to help me sort out the ups and downs that are our relationship, random thoughts, and connecting to other milspouses.
Welcome to my mind.
Sailorman is, for the most part, an absolute sweetheart. He's my knight in shining armor who is always there to save me from myself. He doesn't fully approve of blogs, so out of respect for him, as well as for security reasons his picture and name won't come up. However, he will be a star player, because well, he's a huge part of my life. I love his crazy dorky personality and I'm so excited to be his future wife!
