Drain

I do love him. Throughout all the fights we've been having lately, which is probably why I've been blogging rather regularly of late, the love is still there. Sometimes it's harder to find it, sometimes I have to dig, but at the core, our love is there. It's nice to know that, at least right now, that we do love each other THAT much. That he puts up with me. Because I know that I am a neurotic mess to say the least. I think he blames the self help books. He should thanks God that I don't watch Oprah.
 
I feel like I'm the drain in our relationship. I cause the drama. I'm the big ball of emotion, as my friend Samuel would call it. I feel too much. To put it lightly, the Sailor is NOT a feelings kind of guy. I worry about us in that regard. I talk about my feelings the way he waxes poetic about his guns. I use psychology terms in everyday conversation, and I say things like "my primary love language" which drives him kind of nuts. For all the fact that we love each other, on paper we shouldn't have made it as far as we have.


Just SOME of our vast differences: I'm from CA. I think that says a lot in and of itself. While I like to think that I'm more moderate than more of my Cali counterparts when it comes to liberalism, I'm guessing to my card carrying member of the NRA boyfriend I'm basically a flower child from the past. In reality, I'm not that bad. Yes, I believe in being green. Mostly because of the fact that I would like a healthy planet for my future children, for there to still be wildlife in their natural habitats for them to be able to experience. Goodness.......one would think he'd never seen Happy Feet! lol. Wow I just sounded like a 12 year old there.....or worse yet, a Valley Girl! I also am actually a fan of organic weird foods that most people have never heard of unless they're big into the natural foods thing. Case in point, I'm kind of addicted to fake coffee, and by that, I don't mean decaf. I mean dried garbanzo beans mixed in with some dehydrated beets mixed in for sweetness.....it's actually quite yummy, I promise!
He's more into steak, potatoes, chicken, pasta. Tomato sauce from a jar. He thinks the Alfredo sauce from a jar tastes good. I watch the food channel for fun and have been teaching myself gourmet techniques since I was roughly 8. To say being with him has been an adjustment is an understatement.

Maybe it's because as of right now, I've always gone to him, but I feel that I've made A LOT more adjustments than he has. I understand, and really don't appreciate when he tells me, that his job is demanding. Of course I know that his job is demanding! His job takes him away for long stretches of time, sometimes with no contact at all, and we're all just supposed to be ok about it. I get it. I know I'm going to have to deal with it. BUT, does that mean I have to like it? HELL NO! Don't get me wrong, I love the Navy, and I'm sure that once I'm not 3000 freaking miles away from him, the lifestyle won't be as hard as it is right now. Not that I won't still be alone at times, but at least I'll be with him a larger percentage than I am now!

Right now, I feel that he just doesn't get me. The entire time that we've dated I've always felt that I had finally found a guy who got me. Who understood, even throughout the crazy parts of me, who I was.  I just don't feel that anymore, and it makes me sad, to say the least. My eyes literally burn from the tears that were shed earlier, when I told him everything that I had been feeling lately. He listened for the most part. He, of course, said that he didn't know what to say. He seemed to get what I was saying, but with sleep deprivation, and traveling to take into account, I have absolutely no idea if anything actually went through. He complained that we were having the same conversation again. Just a question, but if you tend to notice a pattern in conversations with someone you love about needing something different in order to feel loved, and there being examples, wouldn't you at least TRY some of those damn examples? Then MAYBE, just maybe there wouldn't be a repeat of the conversation that apparently bothers you so much? -Big Sigh- Fighting drains me, tires me, but doesn't allow blissful sleep to come.