Lately my life has been drama........most of my own making. (Hey, at least I admit it!) I think WAY too much for my own good. Thinking is NEVER a good thing when it comes to me. I immediately go to the bad place, and from there it gets even bigger. Last blog I mentioned the Sailor's cheating on his ex. I still have at the back of my head that he might do it to me too, and I feel hesitant to tell him why I've been upset lately. We've had this conversation before. Many times in fact. It's an old fear that I'm terrified will never go away.
He doesn't know what to do to make me see that he's different, and intellectually I know that he is. I know that he loves me, and would never do anything to hurt me. The only thing is, I wonder......did she think that too? Did she have all the same hopes and dreams I have? Did she make the same plans for their life together? Did I unwittingly crush her fairytale? Albeit, it was an illusion of a fairytale, but still......why am I so different?
For the most part, the Sailor and I have a pretty amazing way of communicating, despite the arguments that can happen as a result. But this I'm hesitating on. Why? Because I hate bring up his ex. She is an extreme sore point for me. She is my worst nightmare. Not herself, the person (though don't get me wrong, she gets on my nerves) but more what she represents: the man I don't want.
She popped up a couple of days before he left for a training exercise. She left an "I have insomnia and I just wanted to see how you were doing" message on his yahoo chat. He says he didn't answer, but he refuses to block her. He says that while it's annoying to hear from her, it doesn't bother him. I just don't understand that. If he was as miserable as he says he was, why wouldn't he want to close all contact with her? I just don't understand at all. I'm rapidly becoming jealous and possessive. I don't show it, but I am. I don't know how to stop it, to tell myself to calm down and breathe. My friends are of literally no help. The uber-christians that they are, they've never dealt with what most average couples deal with. They've either been in the same relationship since the 9th grade or have found someone who has has little experience as them. (Yes I was the same way until I started dating outside the church.) Most of them will just tell me that their sorry, but offer no advice besides talking to him. Or "yelling" about the lack of respect that he shows me. I don't know if it is a lack of respect though. Or, is it me just being too sensitive again?
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