Drain

I do love him. Throughout all the fights we've been having lately, which is probably why I've been blogging rather regularly of late, the love is still there. Sometimes it's harder to find it, sometimes I have to dig, but at the core, our love is there. It's nice to know that, at least right now, that we do love each other THAT much. That he puts up with me. Because I know that I am a neurotic mess to say the least. I think he blames the self help books. He should thanks God that I don't watch Oprah.
 
I feel like I'm the drain in our relationship. I cause the drama. I'm the big ball of emotion, as my friend Samuel would call it. I feel too much. To put it lightly, the Sailor is NOT a feelings kind of guy. I worry about us in that regard. I talk about my feelings the way he waxes poetic about his guns. I use psychology terms in everyday conversation, and I say things like "my primary love language" which drives him kind of nuts. For all the fact that we love each other, on paper we shouldn't have made it as far as we have.


Just SOME of our vast differences: I'm from CA. I think that says a lot in and of itself. While I like to think that I'm more moderate than more of my Cali counterparts when it comes to liberalism, I'm guessing to my card carrying member of the NRA boyfriend I'm basically a flower child from the past. In reality, I'm not that bad. Yes, I believe in being green. Mostly because of the fact that I would like a healthy planet for my future children, for there to still be wildlife in their natural habitats for them to be able to experience. Goodness.......one would think he'd never seen Happy Feet! lol. Wow I just sounded like a 12 year old there.....or worse yet, a Valley Girl! I also am actually a fan of organic weird foods that most people have never heard of unless they're big into the natural foods thing. Case in point, I'm kind of addicted to fake coffee, and by that, I don't mean decaf. I mean dried garbanzo beans mixed in with some dehydrated beets mixed in for sweetness.....it's actually quite yummy, I promise!
He's more into steak, potatoes, chicken, pasta. Tomato sauce from a jar. He thinks the Alfredo sauce from a jar tastes good. I watch the food channel for fun and have been teaching myself gourmet techniques since I was roughly 8. To say being with him has been an adjustment is an understatement.

Maybe it's because as of right now, I've always gone to him, but I feel that I've made A LOT more adjustments than he has. I understand, and really don't appreciate when he tells me, that his job is demanding. Of course I know that his job is demanding! His job takes him away for long stretches of time, sometimes with no contact at all, and we're all just supposed to be ok about it. I get it. I know I'm going to have to deal with it. BUT, does that mean I have to like it? HELL NO! Don't get me wrong, I love the Navy, and I'm sure that once I'm not 3000 freaking miles away from him, the lifestyle won't be as hard as it is right now. Not that I won't still be alone at times, but at least I'll be with him a larger percentage than I am now!

Right now, I feel that he just doesn't get me. The entire time that we've dated I've always felt that I had finally found a guy who got me. Who understood, even throughout the crazy parts of me, who I was.  I just don't feel that anymore, and it makes me sad, to say the least. My eyes literally burn from the tears that were shed earlier, when I told him everything that I had been feeling lately. He listened for the most part. He, of course, said that he didn't know what to say. He seemed to get what I was saying, but with sleep deprivation, and traveling to take into account, I have absolutely no idea if anything actually went through. He complained that we were having the same conversation again. Just a question, but if you tend to notice a pattern in conversations with someone you love about needing something different in order to feel loved, and there being examples, wouldn't you at least TRY some of those damn examples? Then MAYBE, just maybe there wouldn't be a repeat of the conversation that apparently bothers you so much? -Big Sigh- Fighting drains me, tires me, but doesn't allow blissful sleep to come.

An Illussion of a Fairytale

Lately my life has been drama........most of my own making. (Hey, at least I admit it!) I think WAY too much for my own good. Thinking is NEVER a good thing when it comes to me. I immediately go to the bad place, and from there it gets even bigger. Last blog I mentioned the Sailor's cheating on his ex. I still have at the back of my head that he might do it to me too, and I feel hesitant to tell him why I've been upset lately. We've had this conversation before. Many times in fact. It's an old fear that I'm terrified will never go away.

He doesn't know what to do to make me see that he's different, and intellectually I know that he is. I know that he loves me, and would never do anything to hurt me. The only thing is, I wonder......did she think that too? Did she have all the same hopes and dreams I have? Did she make the same plans for their life together? Did I unwittingly crush her fairytale? Albeit, it was an illusion of a fairytale, but still......why am I so different?

For the most part, the Sailor and I have a pretty amazing way of communicating, despite the arguments that can happen as a result. But this I'm hesitating on. Why? Because I hate bring up his ex. She is an extreme sore point for me. She is my worst nightmare. Not herself, the person (though don't get me wrong, she gets on my nerves) but more what she represents: the man I don't want.

She popped up a couple of days before he left for a training exercise. She left an "I have insomnia and I just wanted to see how you were doing" message on his yahoo chat. He says he didn't answer, but he refuses to block her. He says that while it's annoying to hear from her, it doesn't bother him. I just don't understand that. If he was as miserable as he says he was, why wouldn't he want to close all contact with her? I just don't understand at all. I'm rapidly becoming jealous and possessive. I don't show it, but I am. I don't know how to stop it, to tell myself to calm down and breathe. My friends are of literally no help. The uber-christians that they are, they've never dealt with what most average couples deal with. They've either been in the same relationship since the 9th grade or have found someone who has has little experience as them. (Yes I was the same way until I started dating outside the church.) Most of them will just tell me that their sorry, but offer no advice besides talking to him. Or "yelling" about the lack of respect that he shows me. I don't know if it is a lack of respect though. Or, is it me just being too sensitive again?

Normalcy, or at least as close as you can get

Because, what is normal about being 3,000 miles away from the man that you love? What's normal about wishing and waiting for the day that he is finally done with at least some of those stupid schools and exercises he has to do in order be able to take leave and see you? In three months might I add? And what exactly is normal about thinking that waiting 3 months is actually not that bad, because you KNOW that deployment is going to be much much longer than that? However, all that being said, I think that I have finally found my normal.....at least for today.

One day at a time. That's how I've heard you deal with a separation as great as the one that many military wives, fiancees, and girlfriends deal. You blog, you spend time on support group sites. You take up hobbies, you go to school. You get a job. Some of those are harder to do than others. The blogging takes time, sometimes it's hard to feel witty and put together a cohesive sentence when you feel so depressed that you're not with him. Support sites can be a very positive thing, but let's face it, for the most part its a bunch of women, and drama is just bound to happen. Where high-strung women are, and trust me, no matter how calm a woman looks or sounds, if she's a military significant other, she's stressed beyond belief. While he might not be deployed today, that's ultimately what he's working towards when stateside. The Sailor is going to schools, doing exercises, and all the fun that goes alongside that to deploy. Women can only take so much stress before it comes out in one way or another.

(And really, do we need to stress each other out by taking offense to everything that is said? I know it's hard to not take stuff personally, but sometimes you do just need to take a step back, analyze what was said, and try and figure it out from the logical side of the brain whether or not that was said to offend you.)

Ok end of that rant. What was next on my list? Right a hobby. What I've found to occupy my time, because of lots of random reasons that didn't pan out, I didn't take classes this semester, and now have to wait until mid-June in order to take some classes during the summer in order to be ready for "real" college in the fall, I am currently not in class. Since I will be going to school and the job market being what is it, finding a job that I know I'm going to be leaving soon is pretty much going to be impossible. Hence the "hobby." I am going to occupy my time, which will probably take a few days at the very least painting. Not watercolor painting, because my depth perception really sucks (oh the joys of glasses) but painting these bookshelves that my mom puts her many knickknacks in. Two are white and two are natural wood. She wants them to be uniform and since she knows that I'm not doing anything, she's asked me to help her out. Its fine. It's not like this is a lifelong dream, but it's busy work. Involves a lot of lifting and cleaning, and tomorrow will probably entail a trip to the hardware store.....and the grocery store since I've been avoiding that too.