I've always been the type of person that when I give my word it's really hard for me to break it. It doesn't matter how much I want to give up, how much whoever it is that I've made a promise to doesn't deserve it, I will probably keep it. That being said: I don't make New Year's resolutions. Ever. I have New Year's intentions....as in, I'd like to be able to do, or I hope I'm able to accomplish this. No big if I do or don't. That way I don't feel stressed and feel this "need" to bust my butt over something that is most likely going to be a whim.
So what are my intentions this year? I'd like to be able to blog more, and be a more active presence in the bloggy community. I'd like to make new friends, hopefully friends that I can actually see in person, not just internet friends. As much as I love my internet friends, chatting and texts only go so far. I have quite a few friends, the only problem with this is that the majority of them are very far away from me, and a girl needs to just meet up for coffee sometimes and have a good talk! I'd also like to tone up more. Since my diagnosis I've lost quite a bit a weight. This is a really good thing, and honestly, it's not from lack of trying that I've been having so much trouble losing weight. Except for just not eating very much anymore, I've been doing the same thing I've always been doing. And I've lost almost 25 pounds since September, as well as 2 dress sizes and 1 jean size. Can you say YAY?? I'm happy about this!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Half My Heart is in Virginia
I saw that as a bumpersticker on facebook once. It was a couple of weeks after dating Sailorman, and he sent it to me. Honestly, at the time I thought that it was a bit premature to be talking about him being my heart. (Terrible, I know) but that was the way I felt then. Now, yes, he is my heart, and I miss him terribly. While I had my layover in Chicago last night, all I could think was: I don't want to be here, I don't want to be going back to CA. I want to start my life with him already. I don't want what I know is the right choice. I want to be impulsive and stupid and maybe more than a little reckless and just throw caution to the wind and say "ok, let's move me out there, who cares that you're going to deploy and leave me alone for 6 months."
But we all know that I would never do or say any of that, as much as my heart wants me to. My head wouldn't let me. It's a miracle enough that my head let me follow my impulses down to San Diego 15 and half months ago to meet who is now going to be my future husband. Besides, Sailorman is a total secret squirrel. There's no way in hell that his security manager would let us just move in together, especially not with the mess that is that stupid dual citizenship deal that I have YET to hear back from. This is almost three months ago in case you forgot. Ugh, let's not even get into that rant right now.
We have a lot of steps to deal with, a lot of paperwork and background checks (insert sarcastic yay here) and whatever other hoops we're going to have to jump through before we get to the packing and moving me out there part of the fairytale. Oh, and we have a lovely deployment to go through as well. While I truly believe that this deployment will only make our relationship stronger in the long run, and I'm doing my best to not dwell on all the bad right now because it'll only make me and us crazy right now, let's just say that when the dam breaks it ain't gonna be pretty. At all.
So as of now, I'm going to do my best to deal with my heart not being whole, comfort myself that he'll most likely be able to take a trip out here in March, and in 10 months this will be over. I will be able to move out there, and we will be able to start our life together.
But we all know that I would never do or say any of that, as much as my heart wants me to. My head wouldn't let me. It's a miracle enough that my head let me follow my impulses down to San Diego 15 and half months ago to meet who is now going to be my future husband. Besides, Sailorman is a total secret squirrel. There's no way in hell that his security manager would let us just move in together, especially not with the mess that is that stupid dual citizenship deal that I have YET to hear back from. This is almost three months ago in case you forgot. Ugh, let's not even get into that rant right now.
We have a lot of steps to deal with, a lot of paperwork and background checks (insert sarcastic yay here) and whatever other hoops we're going to have to jump through before we get to the packing and moving me out there part of the fairytale. Oh, and we have a lovely deployment to go through as well. While I truly believe that this deployment will only make our relationship stronger in the long run, and I'm doing my best to not dwell on all the bad right now because it'll only make me and us crazy right now, let's just say that when the dam breaks it ain't gonna be pretty. At all.
So as of now, I'm going to do my best to deal with my heart not being whole, comfort myself that he'll most likely be able to take a trip out here in March, and in 10 months this will be over. I will be able to move out there, and we will be able to start our life together.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Independance
I've said before, I'm a walking contradiction. Sailorman loves to call me difficult because there are so many things about me that just.....well, they shouldn't work haha. As sad as this is I believe it's the truth, though many who know me would say differently: I don't think that I am a very strong person. I like the fact that I am for the most part, sheltered. I like that I see the good in people before I see the bad. I like that for (for the most part) I am very trusting. I also like that the thought of someone taking care of me.
No, I don't mean being waited on hand and foot, I find that a little ridiculous. I'm also not talking about little things like doors being open for me. While yes, it's a sweet gesture, I am an incredibly impatient person and Sailorman takes FOREVER to open his own damn door, let alone open his, walk around and open mine. It's just faster for me to gather my stuff and open my own door. Sad, but true that I'm usually also a lot faster than him when it comes to opening the car door.
What I'm talking about is, and again, this sounds bad. I like the thought of being taken care of financially. Again, I'm not saying that I'm going to live off of Sailorman's paycheck and just be one of the stereotypical military wives that everyone thinks of when they think military wife. But, in your heart of hearts, you have to admit that the thought of being "taken care of" is a huge relief when it comes to planning for the future. I like the thought of "if I don't want to, and if we're careful enough with our budget, I don't HAVE to work if I don't want to." After I'm done with whatever schooling I'm going to end up doing once I'm out here in 10 or so months yes, I will find some sort of work. It probably won't be because I need to, but because sitting at home all day in my pjs is going to get old, fast.
The way I see it, this is going to be stressful enough for me to deal with deployments and whatnot. I wasn't sure if I was cut out to be a career woman and was struggling with resigning myself into trying to make myself fit into that mold before I met Sailorman. It made me incredibly depressed and sad to think that I might end up doing something that I didn't want to do because I needed to in order to "take care of myself." With Sailorman proposing, and the plan to get married probably by the end of this year, that pressure is gone. With that gone, there is a whole new set of worries and stresses that I have, the main ones being moving away from everyone I know and love. I have never been as homesick as I have the past week or so. I've met up with one Navy Wife, K, who was just awesomesauce. Her husband is at the same command as Sailorman, though not in the same shop. It was cool to compare notes and just realizing that a lot of the little "quirks" and "issues" that I've had/have with Sailorman aren't just him, it appears that all.....guys are like that haha. Who would've known?
Another thing that I've found out about myself since being back at the Beach is that I HATE not having a car. I hate not having the option of having a car. I hate having to depend on Sailorman to drive me places. I also feel really really really weird facebooking/texting/calling people I "know" here to drive me places as well. I'm sure that they would be happy to drive me to run random errands, but I just feel so strange asking! I've been driving myself around since I was 18 years old. I've never depended on anyone for a ride unless it was my choice to do so. That's really not the case here. I'm getting to the point that the next time I'm out here I'm just going to drive because I want to have a vehicle here!
So I suppose my question(s) of the blog is this:
What is it you're afraid to admit to finding comfort in when it comes to your servicemember/significant other?
What do you feel you absolutely need to feel independent?
No, I don't mean being waited on hand and foot, I find that a little ridiculous. I'm also not talking about little things like doors being open for me. While yes, it's a sweet gesture, I am an incredibly impatient person and Sailorman takes FOREVER to open his own damn door, let alone open his, walk around and open mine. It's just faster for me to gather my stuff and open my own door. Sad, but true that I'm usually also a lot faster than him when it comes to opening the car door.
What I'm talking about is, and again, this sounds bad. I like the thought of being taken care of financially. Again, I'm not saying that I'm going to live off of Sailorman's paycheck and just be one of the stereotypical military wives that everyone thinks of when they think military wife. But, in your heart of hearts, you have to admit that the thought of being "taken care of" is a huge relief when it comes to planning for the future. I like the thought of "if I don't want to, and if we're careful enough with our budget, I don't HAVE to work if I don't want to." After I'm done with whatever schooling I'm going to end up doing once I'm out here in 10 or so months yes, I will find some sort of work. It probably won't be because I need to, but because sitting at home all day in my pjs is going to get old, fast.
The way I see it, this is going to be stressful enough for me to deal with deployments and whatnot. I wasn't sure if I was cut out to be a career woman and was struggling with resigning myself into trying to make myself fit into that mold before I met Sailorman. It made me incredibly depressed and sad to think that I might end up doing something that I didn't want to do because I needed to in order to "take care of myself." With Sailorman proposing, and the plan to get married probably by the end of this year, that pressure is gone. With that gone, there is a whole new set of worries and stresses that I have, the main ones being moving away from everyone I know and love. I have never been as homesick as I have the past week or so. I've met up with one Navy Wife, K, who was just awesomesauce. Her husband is at the same command as Sailorman, though not in the same shop. It was cool to compare notes and just realizing that a lot of the little "quirks" and "issues" that I've had/have with Sailorman aren't just him, it appears that all.....guys are like that haha. Who would've known?
Another thing that I've found out about myself since being back at the Beach is that I HATE not having a car. I hate not having the option of having a car. I hate having to depend on Sailorman to drive me places. I also feel really really really weird facebooking/texting/calling people I "know" here to drive me places as well. I'm sure that they would be happy to drive me to run random errands, but I just feel so strange asking! I've been driving myself around since I was 18 years old. I've never depended on anyone for a ride unless it was my choice to do so. That's really not the case here. I'm getting to the point that the next time I'm out here I'm just going to drive because I want to have a vehicle here!
So I suppose my question(s) of the blog is this:
What is it you're afraid to admit to finding comfort in when it comes to your servicemember/significant other?
What do you feel you absolutely need to feel independent?
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