Lately my life has been drama........most of my own making. (Hey, at least I admit it!) I think WAY too much for my own good. Thinking is NEVER a good thing when it comes to me. I immediately go to the bad place, and from there it gets even bigger. Last blog I mentioned the Sailor's cheating on his ex. I still have at the back of my head that he might do it to me too, and I feel hesitant to tell him why I've been upset lately. We've had this conversation before. Many times in fact. It's an old fear that I'm terrified will never go away.
He doesn't know what to do to make me see that he's different, and intellectually I know that he is. I know that he loves me, and would never do anything to hurt me. The only thing is, I wonder......did she think that too? Did she have all the same hopes and dreams I have? Did she make the same plans for their life together? Did I unwittingly crush her fairytale? Albeit, it was an illusion of a fairytale, but still......why am I so different?
For the most part, the Sailor and I have a pretty amazing way of communicating, despite the arguments that can happen as a result. But this I'm hesitating on. Why? Because I hate bring up his ex. She is an extreme sore point for me. She is my worst nightmare. Not herself, the person (though don't get me wrong, she gets on my nerves) but more what she represents: the man I don't want.
She popped up a couple of days before he left for a training exercise. She left an "I have insomnia and I just wanted to see how you were doing" message on his yahoo chat. He says he didn't answer, but he refuses to block her. He says that while it's annoying to hear from her, it doesn't bother him. I just don't understand that. If he was as miserable as he says he was, why wouldn't he want to close all contact with her? I just don't understand at all. I'm rapidly becoming jealous and possessive. I don't show it, but I am. I don't know how to stop it, to tell myself to calm down and breathe. My friends are of literally no help. The uber-christians that they are, they've never dealt with what most average couples deal with. They've either been in the same relationship since the 9th grade or have found someone who has has little experience as them. (Yes I was the same way until I started dating outside the church.) Most of them will just tell me that their sorry, but offer no advice besides talking to him. Or "yelling" about the lack of respect that he shows me. I don't know if it is a lack of respect though. Or, is it me just being too sensitive again?
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Normalcy, or at least as close as you can get
Because, what is normal about being 3,000 miles away from the man that you love? What's normal about wishing and waiting for the day that he is finally done with at least some of those stupid schools and exercises he has to do in order be able to take leave and see you? In three months might I add? And what exactly is normal about thinking that waiting 3 months is actually not that bad, because you KNOW that deployment is going to be much much longer than that? However, all that being said, I think that I have finally found my normal.....at least for today.
One day at a time. That's how I've heard you deal with a separation as great as the one that many military wives, fiancees, and girlfriends deal. You blog, you spend time on support group sites. You take up hobbies, you go to school. You get a job. Some of those are harder to do than others. The blogging takes time, sometimes it's hard to feel witty and put together a cohesive sentence when you feel so depressed that you're not with him. Support sites can be a very positive thing, but let's face it, for the most part its a bunch of women, and drama is just bound to happen. Where high-strung women are, and trust me, no matter how calm a woman looks or sounds, if she's a military significant other, she's stressed beyond belief. While he might not be deployed today, that's ultimately what he's working towards when stateside. The Sailor is going to schools, doing exercises, and all the fun that goes alongside that to deploy. Women can only take so much stress before it comes out in one way or another.
(And really, do we need to stress each other out by taking offense to everything that is said? I know it's hard to not take stuff personally, but sometimes you do just need to take a step back, analyze what was said, and try and figure it out from the logical side of the brain whether or not that was said to offend you.)
Ok end of that rant. What was next on my list? Right a hobby. What I've found to occupy my time, because of lots of random reasons that didn't pan out, I didn't take classes this semester, and now have to wait until mid-June in order to take some classes during the summer in order to be ready for "real" college in the fall, I am currently not in class. Since I will be going to school and the job market being what is it, finding a job that I know I'm going to be leaving soon is pretty much going to be impossible. Hence the "hobby." I am going to occupy my time, which will probably take a few days at the very least painting. Not watercolor painting, because my depth perception really sucks (oh the joys of glasses) but painting these bookshelves that my mom puts her many knickknacks in. Two are white and two are natural wood. She wants them to be uniform and since she knows that I'm not doing anything, she's asked me to help her out. Its fine. It's not like this is a lifelong dream, but it's busy work. Involves a lot of lifting and cleaning, and tomorrow will probably entail a trip to the hardware store.....and the grocery store since I've been avoiding that too.
One day at a time. That's how I've heard you deal with a separation as great as the one that many military wives, fiancees, and girlfriends deal. You blog, you spend time on support group sites. You take up hobbies, you go to school. You get a job. Some of those are harder to do than others. The blogging takes time, sometimes it's hard to feel witty and put together a cohesive sentence when you feel so depressed that you're not with him. Support sites can be a very positive thing, but let's face it, for the most part its a bunch of women, and drama is just bound to happen. Where high-strung women are, and trust me, no matter how calm a woman looks or sounds, if she's a military significant other, she's stressed beyond belief. While he might not be deployed today, that's ultimately what he's working towards when stateside. The Sailor is going to schools, doing exercises, and all the fun that goes alongside that to deploy. Women can only take so much stress before it comes out in one way or another.
(And really, do we need to stress each other out by taking offense to everything that is said? I know it's hard to not take stuff personally, but sometimes you do just need to take a step back, analyze what was said, and try and figure it out from the logical side of the brain whether or not that was said to offend you.)
Ok end of that rant. What was next on my list? Right a hobby. What I've found to occupy my time, because of lots of random reasons that didn't pan out, I didn't take classes this semester, and now have to wait until mid-June in order to take some classes during the summer in order to be ready for "real" college in the fall, I am currently not in class. Since I will be going to school and the job market being what is it, finding a job that I know I'm going to be leaving soon is pretty much going to be impossible. Hence the "hobby." I am going to occupy my time, which will probably take a few days at the very least painting. Not watercolor painting, because my depth perception really sucks (oh the joys of glasses) but painting these bookshelves that my mom puts her many knickknacks in. Two are white and two are natural wood. She wants them to be uniform and since she knows that I'm not doing anything, she's asked me to help her out. Its fine. It's not like this is a lifelong dream, but it's busy work. Involves a lot of lifting and cleaning, and tomorrow will probably entail a trip to the hardware store.....and the grocery store since I've been avoiding that too.
Monday, April 12, 2010
It's been awhile......
It's been awhile since the last time I blogged. I realize that my last blog ended on a rather sour note. I was a definite mess the entire month of March. It pretty much sucked, especially since I was actually with my Sailor for a week. I felt terrible afterwards, but almost throughout the entire time I was in VA I was in a bad mood. One of his best friends is convinced that I hate him as a result, no matter the reassurances that I or my Sailor give him. At this point I really don't care lol. He can think what he wants, as long as my Sailor doesn't start thinking the same.
So, after many tears on my end, lots of talking, and finally me deciding to stop talking and let nature take its course because I couldn't handle talking and talking until I was blue in the face, and not getting a result. I basically gave my boyfriend the bare minimum. I'm not proud of it, it wasn't a ploy to get him to give me attention. I was so incredibly tired of trying. I know that in a relationship you will never be 50/50, however I felt that I was at a 100% giving it my all and getting nothing in return. I love him. I know he loves me. But at that point I just couldn't handle it. So I stopped being positive, I stopped trying to talk, and I stopped putting forth the effort. We existed for two weeks like this, on separate coasts, and not talking. Talk about a low point in my life.
Then, a few days ago, my status on facebook was something like "thinking thoughts" it's a long running joke/grievance between us that I have no off switch when it comes to thinking. The boyfriend then said "well that's nothing new" I replied with a "true, but usually when I say I'm thinking it's because I'm going towards a very bad place." He later called me, I was flat with my answers, I had no more enthusiasm to give. I was drained of all energy when it came to our relationship. He made a complete effort for me. He apologized for not paying attention to me lately. He told me that my facebook status made him realize that he couldn't remember the last time we had had a real conversation about anything that truly mattered to us. He told me he was going to make a better effort to be us again. We talked for 3 hours. I can't remember the last time we were on the phone for 3 hours just because we wanted to be. It was incredible. I'd love to think that now we're at the end of our troubles, but I'm sure that there'll be more. The important thing is that we'll get through them. We always do.
So, after many tears on my end, lots of talking, and finally me deciding to stop talking and let nature take its course because I couldn't handle talking and talking until I was blue in the face, and not getting a result. I basically gave my boyfriend the bare minimum. I'm not proud of it, it wasn't a ploy to get him to give me attention. I was so incredibly tired of trying. I know that in a relationship you will never be 50/50, however I felt that I was at a 100% giving it my all and getting nothing in return. I love him. I know he loves me. But at that point I just couldn't handle it. So I stopped being positive, I stopped trying to talk, and I stopped putting forth the effort. We existed for two weeks like this, on separate coasts, and not talking. Talk about a low point in my life.
Then, a few days ago, my status on facebook was something like "thinking thoughts" it's a long running joke/grievance between us that I have no off switch when it comes to thinking. The boyfriend then said "well that's nothing new" I replied with a "true, but usually when I say I'm thinking it's because I'm going towards a very bad place." He later called me, I was flat with my answers, I had no more enthusiasm to give. I was drained of all energy when it came to our relationship. He made a complete effort for me. He apologized for not paying attention to me lately. He told me that my facebook status made him realize that he couldn't remember the last time we had had a real conversation about anything that truly mattered to us. He told me he was going to make a better effort to be us again. We talked for 3 hours. I can't remember the last time we were on the phone for 3 hours just because we wanted to be. It was incredible. I'd love to think that now we're at the end of our troubles, but I'm sure that there'll be more. The important thing is that we'll get through them. We always do.
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