Random Thoughts.....

I love my boyfriend. I really do. But sometimes I feel like I want more. This scares me. I don't know why is it that I'm not just content to just let us be. We're in a good place right now, talking about moving in together sometime this summer. Which will be a huge change I know, but it's a good change. A change I'm ready for. Yet, I still want more. I want a more tangible proof that he wants to be committed to me. Which is kinda crazy, because he is committed to me. I know he is. Yet somehow it's hard to convince myself of that. I want him to ask me to marry him. And I don't know where this new obsession with marriage turned up. I used to not want to get married until my mid to late twenties. I know that I'm still young. Why on earth do I want to do this so badly? It's driving me crazy that I can't talk myself out of it.

Ever since the last time I saw my boyfriend I'd had this feeling that something bad was going to happen. I'm not sure what it is, but I do know that it will affect us, and not in a good way. I guess that might be what's fueling this. Just in case, I want to be married. I want to be able to know what's going on.  A friend of mine is going through the terror of not knowing what happened to her fiance. That's probably my worst nightmare. Since they're not married, the Navy isn't releasing much information to her. That terrifies me beyond belief. If something happens when he's overseas, I want to be able to know. And I know that if his mother gets the call she's going to be way too crazy worried to be able to tell me very much. I can deal with a lot. With the way my life has gone I know that  I can. I don't think I can deal with a sense of not knowing anything, and not being allowed to know just because I'm not married. I really wish that I could be married for my own sense of peace. But I don't really know how to get him to understand that. My reasoning is that if we love each other, and we want to get married, why can't we just do it? His argument is that it's too soon, we haven't been dating very long, and he wants to live together for a while first. A valid argument, I can concede that. But, it's not like I want to get married right now. I want to get married sometime before he deploys. His deployment is roughly a year or so away. Isn't that enough time to see how we would interact with each other while living together and see if we would want to get married? Maybe bringing it up now is what scaring him. I tend to think in the big picture and I get the sense that he likes to look at the details of what's happening around him. Which is good. We're different enough that we work.

Marriage

Sometimes I feel like I'm being strung along.....my boyfriend talks about marriage constantly. He talks about our life together, our future children, grandchildren. Growing old with me. But it's all in vague terms. Whenever I try and ask when, he immediately changes the subject. He acts as though this is a done deal, and yet it's as though it's never going to be done. I'm tired. I wish I knew how to bring this up. It's hard living on the other side of the country. I'm tired of it. I don't want to start an argument, and at this distance I'm bound to just cave in to keep the peace. I think my past relationships have all ended so horribly that I'm terrified that this one will to. I worry that I'll lose who I am in the process.

I want to marry him. I love him. But, I don't want to feel as though I'm in limbo waiting for the day that it's convenient for him to decide that he all of a sudden wants to marry me. Why do I feel this way? Why do I have this urge to be married so badly? I'm upset and don't really know why. I've been this way for weeks. If I do talk to him  I don't know how to bring it all up. it's a frustrating situation to be in. I'm just tired of all of this.

Do all military men promise the moon? Do they all sweet talk you with thoughts of marriage and babies and a life together? Is it all just a line? I'm doubting our relationship because he changes the subject whenever  I try to be serious. The only time he is serious is when he's drunk. I'm tired of having conversations that he doesn't remember. I'm tired of feeling as though I'm the only one who wants this to work. I'm tired of being told that he loves me without showing me commitment. And I don't just mean that he doesn't pick up random girls in bars anymore. That's not a sign of commitment, that's just common courtesy when you're dating someone. I feel that I'm settling and I don't know how to tell him that. I don't want to attack him, but the way I'm feeling right now it's bound to come across that way. 

I want forever, and I get talks about forever, yet  I feel that I'm right now sometimes. And I'm tired of feeling like right now.

What to say, What to say.......

It's hard to try and figure out what exactly to say, how to formulate the thoughts so they make sense.......or to organize the thoughts in a way that they will make sense for someone other than just me. Valentine's Day in coming up.....yay. The first "holiday" that I'm going to away from my sailor. I'm sure there will be more, there's bound to be in the life that I've decided to choose. It doesn't make it easier. Complaining doesn't make me want to be with him less, it's just a vocalization of how I feel. Sometime I get the sense that the ultimate super military spouse is one that doesn't complain outwardly, but shows the stern solemn face to the world.

That's not me. I talk. Its what I do. I will talk to complete strangers about my problems (its usually in an appropriate manner and context, I don't just go telling random people my problems). I talk through stuff in order to get past it. I complain about my boyfriend being so far away from me because I love the goofball, and obviously I want to be with him. Not being with him frustrates me, and for the most part I deal. I go to school, I see friends. I'm not just existing waiting for the day that he comes to "rescue" me. I know that when we do marry I'm going to be alone for long stretches of time. I know that just because we're married doesn't mean that I will become his first priority all the time. I know this and I still want him. I give myself points for that one, even if no one else does.