Marriage

Sometimes I feel like I'm being strung along.....my boyfriend talks about marriage constantly. He talks about our life together, our future children, grandchildren. Growing old with me. But it's all in vague terms. Whenever I try and ask when, he immediately changes the subject. He acts as though this is a done deal, and yet it's as though it's never going to be done. I'm tired. I wish I knew how to bring this up. It's hard living on the other side of the country. I'm tired of it. I don't want to start an argument, and at this distance I'm bound to just cave in to keep the peace. I think my past relationships have all ended so horribly that I'm terrified that this one will to. I worry that I'll lose who I am in the process.

I want to marry him. I love him. But, I don't want to feel as though I'm in limbo waiting for the day that it's convenient for him to decide that he all of a sudden wants to marry me. Why do I feel this way? Why do I have this urge to be married so badly? I'm upset and don't really know why. I've been this way for weeks. If I do talk to him  I don't know how to bring it all up. it's a frustrating situation to be in. I'm just tired of all of this.

Do all military men promise the moon? Do they all sweet talk you with thoughts of marriage and babies and a life together? Is it all just a line? I'm doubting our relationship because he changes the subject whenever  I try to be serious. The only time he is serious is when he's drunk. I'm tired of having conversations that he doesn't remember. I'm tired of feeling as though I'm the only one who wants this to work. I'm tired of being told that he loves me without showing me commitment. And I don't just mean that he doesn't pick up random girls in bars anymore. That's not a sign of commitment, that's just common courtesy when you're dating someone. I feel that I'm settling and I don't know how to tell him that. I don't want to attack him, but the way I'm feeling right now it's bound to come across that way. 

I want forever, and I get talks about forever, yet  I feel that I'm right now sometimes. And I'm tired of feeling like right now.