Random Thoughts.....

I love my boyfriend. I really do. But sometimes I feel like I want more. This scares me. I don't know why is it that I'm not just content to just let us be. We're in a good place right now, talking about moving in together sometime this summer. Which will be a huge change I know, but it's a good change. A change I'm ready for. Yet, I still want more. I want a more tangible proof that he wants to be committed to me. Which is kinda crazy, because he is committed to me. I know he is. Yet somehow it's hard to convince myself of that. I want him to ask me to marry him. And I don't know where this new obsession with marriage turned up. I used to not want to get married until my mid to late twenties. I know that I'm still young. Why on earth do I want to do this so badly? It's driving me crazy that I can't talk myself out of it.

Ever since the last time I saw my boyfriend I'd had this feeling that something bad was going to happen. I'm not sure what it is, but I do know that it will affect us, and not in a good way. I guess that might be what's fueling this. Just in case, I want to be married. I want to be able to know what's going on.  A friend of mine is going through the terror of not knowing what happened to her fiance. That's probably my worst nightmare. Since they're not married, the Navy isn't releasing much information to her. That terrifies me beyond belief. If something happens when he's overseas, I want to be able to know. And I know that if his mother gets the call she's going to be way too crazy worried to be able to tell me very much. I can deal with a lot. With the way my life has gone I know that  I can. I don't think I can deal with a sense of not knowing anything, and not being allowed to know just because I'm not married. I really wish that I could be married for my own sense of peace. But I don't really know how to get him to understand that. My reasoning is that if we love each other, and we want to get married, why can't we just do it? His argument is that it's too soon, we haven't been dating very long, and he wants to live together for a while first. A valid argument, I can concede that. But, it's not like I want to get married right now. I want to get married sometime before he deploys. His deployment is roughly a year or so away. Isn't that enough time to see how we would interact with each other while living together and see if we would want to get married? Maybe bringing it up now is what scaring him. I tend to think in the big picture and I get the sense that he likes to look at the details of what's happening around him. Which is good. We're different enough that we work.