So, About Last Time.....

Sailorman and I have spoken. It was a very very very very long conversation, mainly me talking. I don't know if we're back to where we should be, but this was a start. I've been doing my best to stay positive, so remember the happy stuff, but it's hard. I doubt I need to tell any of you lovely readers that. This life is hard. I'm an imperfect person, sometimes I break down. True strength is what you do when you're down. I'm not ready to admit failure. I just need to know that we're capable of change. I'll keep you updated on the goings on with The Squirrels.

Oh the Rocky Road

Sailorman and I haven't exactly been the blissful couple that I wish we were. Actually, things between us have become tense and tenser the longer time goes by. I would've thought that an escalation in commitment would have brought us more together, closer, and made us realize just how much we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.

Oh how very wrong I was. How sweetly naive. It's adorable how cynical and jaded I'm becoming.

I feel like I've finally lost my Disney glow. That thing that made me....me. I literally have tears in my eyes as I type this. I used to believe in true love. The love that never ends, never dies, and is all consuming. Now I wonder: is that true? Does such a love really exist? No, Sailorman and I have no broken up, but I feel as though I'm in mourning of our relationship and don't know why. I feel like every little slight has built up into a mountain that is staring at me, and I don't know where to start the clean up.

I don't know what is wrong. I wish I did. That's not true, I do know what the catalyst of all of this was, but I'm not going to blog about it. There is such a thing as over sharing problems, even on an "anonymous" blog. I just don't know how to address this problem. I don't know how to fix something that he refuses to address. I don't know how to pull us out of this when I don't even have the strength to pull myself out. I feel stuck and I've lost the strength to try and go on. I'm not happy in no man's land, but with all the problems that we've had throughout our relationship, I don't have anymore fight in me. I don't know how to fight for us anymore. I don't know how to fight to keep us to just let us go.

Today I'm at the end of a very long rope. Today I've woken up to how Sailorman treats me. It's not that he doesn't love me, it's that he doesn't respect me. I'm the person that he knows is always going to be waiting for him. I'm the person that he knows will be there no matter what. Who will take the bad moods with the good, that will take the dismissals along with the attention. I'm the person who waits with my cellphone attached to my body on the off chance that he'll call or text. I answer immediately, he answers when he feels like it. When he calls I immediately go somewhere quiet so I can focus on him. He has no problem "talking" to me on the phone in a room full of people who he pays far more attention to than me. I'm sick of it. I'm tired. I am so incredibly tired to be the person who is ALWAYS there. The thing is, the couple of times that I've become a bit more assertive in that I need attention, he calls me needy and how tired he's getting of it.

I love Sailorman, more than I think I could ever put into words or actions. I love him in a way that surprises me sometimes. The question I have is: Is love really enough? Can you survive with everything other aspect of your relationship in chaos because you love them? Can love be the only reason to stay? Can love be the reason that pulls you through?

My Valentine's Day Box

So as I'm sure everyone knows by now, I suck suck suck at taking pictures. Ok, well it's more like I suck suck suck at REMEMBERING to take pictures. The actual picture taking I'm good at, the remember part, not so much. That being said, I completely forgot to take pictures of the box and the remembering to take pictures when I opened it. This is a little bit after the fact, but here they are!

The cream of the crop, diamond studs.

A replacement car magnet, the one I bought last year is now peeling

Sailorman's Mizzou hoodie. I have been told that this is not a gift, I'm just borrowing it until he comes home.

He decided to feed my addition to Chipotle. Mostly because he knows that I remember to eat Chipotle.

It made me laugh, as well as think he's such a sweetie! He worries about me not eating

And while yes funny, I refuse to be a rat dog! He is the huge mutt though hahaha!