Just......WOW

So......had an interesting talk with the boyfriend today. I was on vacation with my mom for the last week, which left pretty much no time to talk privately with him. He did call on my birthday to wish me a good day, which was nice, but it was unfortunately, only a 15 min conversation. Understandable, and we were texting on and off during the entire time.

My problem is that this is become an increasing bad habit with him. It started sometime around Feb/March that the phone calls got shorter, the text messages became more polite conversation, and the good morning text messages stopped altogether. He started calling when he was tired and in bed, making our phone calls 15-20 mins long, if that. It's gotten worse the longer he's had to travel for different schools, and more often than not it's not an every night phone call anymore.

I know that there will probably be comments regarding the fact that when he's deployed I'll weep with gratitude if I can get a 15 min phone call. I probably will. That's not my point at all! When he's out training, in the field, or sharing a room with someone I know that he needs to put up his bad boy front, and whatever, I'm cool with it. My problem is the fact that when he's home he does the same thing. He'll mess around with his Xbox, or his farmville, or whatever it is instead of wanting to talk to me. He basically told me that he feels as though I'm not real anymore. That I'm just a voice that he talks to, and he dreads the day that he gives me the phone call telling me that he fucked up.......

Now I'm to the point where I'm thinking maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead. Break up and try and be friends again. I asked him point-blank if he wanted to do that, and he said no. I've made him the happiest he's been in 5 or 6 years. Bully for him, as of right now, I'm decidedly unhappy. I wonder if breaking up will make me happy or sad. Will it be relief I feel? Will I feel as though I've made a huge mistake?

A friend of mine actually gave me the "You knew what you were getting into when you started dating him" speech. I was so pissed......first of all, he's never dated anyone in the military. His ex is in the Army, but he wasn't with her when she joined, so that doesn't count. He wants to join the Navy, but once again, it's VERY different being in the military and being the one dating someone in the military. I think that that might be THE most annoying thing that anyone has ever told me in regards to my relationship. Not every problem that comes up in a military relationship is about the military. He's not just a Sailor, he's also a man.

What this blog is to me......

It's a release. A way to collect my thoughts, a bouncing board if you will. All the bad goes on here, because I tend to fee the bad more keenly than the good. The good I want to share with my friends, which is why I'll post it on facebook. Facebook is for the good news. Blogger is for the bad. There are quiet a few reasons why I won't post the link to this on my profile, the main one being I don't want my friends, or my boyfriend to read it. This is more like my online journal, written only to me. It's great for those of you who have commented, don't get me wrong, but I don't write to you lol. This is basically a snapshot of all the bad in my life, in my relationship. The way I see it, every relationship has bad spots, rough spots, only no one ever talks about them. Or, they talk about them way too much. I guess I talk about the bad quite a bit, mainly because distance is HARD!

I have never loved anyone more than I do my boyfriend. I never really realized how much until yesterday. This guy who claimed to be former Marines, though I doubt that, was hitting on me. When I told him that I was in a serious relationship he replied that he could keep a secret, and that he would never tell. WTF????? I'm not going to lie, for a second it was tempting. How can it not be tempting when the man you're involved with is 3,000 miles away? When you long for a hug, a kiss, even a handshake! In the end, and this was surprising to me for some reason, I said no. Even if he never found out, I'd know, and it would kill me. The love I felt for my boyfriend when I said no was fierce, and in the moment I knew that I did have my "one and only."

I know that I rarely write about how my love for him. Mainly, I write about my frustrations with him. If you've ever seen or heard the soundtrack for Avenue Q there's this song called "The More You Ruv Someone" and the lyrics basically say the more you love someone the more you want to kill them. Loving and Killing tend to go hand in hand. I really do think that that's true. I have never loved or wanted to kill someone more than my Sailor. He drives me insane, makes me laugh when I'm pissed with him, and makes me smile more than I care to say.

So.....while I might not write for you, I'd just like to say, this blog really only reflects one facet of my relationship. The rest is full of love, laughter, and a desire for killing....

Let's Try Something New

I'm gonna try my best to not mention the Sailor.....except for this little paragraph lol. I just am realizing that more and more of my life is revolving around him, and not enough on me. As narcissistic as it sounds.

So.....as of right now. I'm painting these bookshelves that my mom has for all her crazy knickknacks, spray painting these wrought iron plants she has, and basically puttering around the house. I'm of course, doing all the cooking and cleaning, plus laundry. (Wow I sound like a wife already!) Right now her thing has been juicing. Apparently she's been craving veggies, but because of the fact that she can't take the time to chew her food, she tends to choke on them. So at first I went with the juicer, and just juiced it all. While appreciated, she said she wanted me to use her new blender because she wanted the fiber that comes with the fruits and veggies. So, being the dutiful daughter that I am, I took out the horrible blender and went to work. Can I just say that I'm really not a fan of her blender? While yes, it's powerful, it's also a really big pain in the ass lol. However, after a while of trying to figure it out, she got her fruit/veggie puree that is a really weird dark green color. The things she wanted in there! it was kinda crazy if you ask me. A bag of spinach, apples, grapes, cilantro, celery, and radishes. According to the mommy, they add a really great zip!  This batch will probably last until tomorrow, but today I prepped the last of the fruits and veggies. So.....the next batch will be: apples, grapes, celery, carrots, cilantro, string beans and broccoli. Yeah, I'm really not going to have any of it, no matter how hard she tries to convince me that it tastes good.